To my husband

First of all.....I will have Secret Sister pictures to share for tomorrow!!!  My box was a little delayed, so I know that most people are done with this already.  But alas....I can only do what I can do.

This post is all about the Shout-Out to my husband. (So much better than the Shout-ing!)  I will say that the contents of this post are a long time in the making.  This is NOT how things have always been.  In the past year, G-man has made alot of positive strides so I wanted to honor that today.

Monday night I came up with this ridiculously long To-Do list that wanted to do that night (hahaha!)  While I did make a dent in it....all 27 things didn't get done.   Color me so surprised (what color is surprise anyway??).

I left the list on the counter....not because it was passive-aggressive...not because I was hinting.....but it was the only place on Monday night that it wasn't in the way, and I just left it there.

I had a crazy day yesterday...friend dropped off her kids at 8am, I had an appt at 10am....work was non-stop, 50 shades of chaos.  I got phone call at 5pm regarding PTA stuff.  I had a board meeting at 7pm.  I was home about 15 minutes from 9am until 11pm.

During the day, I would get miscellaneous text messages from G-man.    Hope your day is getting better.  Love you.  Kiss kiss.  Very sweet.

But the ones that really made me cry.....lists of things he did from MY to-do list.  I didn't ask him to do them.  He saw the list....knew I things were crazy....and just did them. He:

• Ran to Walmart and picked up a few things I needed, in addition to a gift card I needed and Bossy's gift from Nannie (score!  $179 basketball hoop for the Black Friday price of $99!  And Nannie even sent us the check before she left for her vacation).
• Cleaned the cat box and washed the food dishes.
• Set up the tree in the alcove (with lights)
• Fixed Sassy's tree (but thanks to Angie for a great idea for next time!!!)
• Ordered the Christmas Cards (I was having issues with the discount code)
• Took the empty totes to the attic
• Did some dishes
• Took out the "extra" trash (all those misc. bags that end up around the house).

Plus, he made me a PB&J for dinner for my 15 minutes that I zoomed in and out.  Not a word about all the time I wasn't home that day.  Nothing about when I will be home (which as stated...wasn't until 11pm).

So to my husband....who finally got the concept that it isn't about the material things that we can't buy...but the fact that you finally realize that I appreciate this kind of thing WAY more than anything else....thank you, and I love you.

He is out in the field today for work....and it is going to be a dangerous day.  So please keep him and his colleagues in your thoughts today for a safe return.

Isn't That the MAIN Idea?

Sorry that this week seems to be a wedding-heavy posting week....and it isn't even my wedding!

My boss asked me yesterday if we were going to the church for the ceremony.  Um, yeah.  Then he asked if "everyone" is going to the church (as in, the rest of the work crew....aka The Party Table!).  Um, to the best of my knowledge...yeah, everyone is going. Then he went on to say that he has attended many weddings where there were 4x more people at the reception than at the wedding itself.

Now, I know there are religions where the wedding itself is a sacred event, and unless you are part of that particular religion, you are not allowed to witness it.  That is a COMPLETELY different idea, and not what I am talking about. I am talking about when you have been invited to the ceremony and reception...and CHOOSE not to go to the ceremony.


I look at it that we were invited to a WEDDING.  To witness two people publicly declaring their love and committing to share their lives together.  It is a special moment for this couple, and it is an honor to be asked to witness it and share in the joy of it all.  The reception is sort of a bonus. Yes, the reception is fun.  Food, drinks, music, dancing (no offense to anyone who doesn't include any of these items due to religious belief).  Let's call it what it is.....a PARTY.  A very expensive party.  It is fun and celebratory....but in the end, it is a party.

My friend originally was planning a much larger, involved wedding for later this year.  She was so unhappy.  She finally said that she wanted her wedding to be about the people that she and her fiance love and spend their time with; not about having to invite people because you are obligated.  So she moved up the date, and planned a much smaller scale wedding that was more about intimacy than flash.  Even still...she is sitting at just 100 people (which was about where our wedding was).  But the original event was coming in closer to 250-300.

As for the work crew....she invited 5 of us (and our spouses).  She felt we were the ones that she worked most closely with, and wanted to share her day with.  It was hard for her to let go of the idea of inviting EVERYONE, but when she really thought about it....she wanted her wedding to be about the people in their lives, not about obligation.  She never announced who was invited and who wasn't...it was just kept quiet amongst those of who are going.  I know this can make for an awkward situation, but it seemed to have worked out.

I am excited for the couple.  The weather appears to be holding out (tomorrow should be low to mid 70's, sunny, and 0% chance of rain).  I know my friend has been waiting a long time for this (they have been together 5 years), and she is so happy to finally arrive at this!  I am sure it will be beautiful and special.  And I am so honored to be part of it.

Have you ever not attended a wedding ceremony and just went to the reception?  If so, why?  How would you feel if that happened to you?

Three days In and.....

The financial debate escalates.  We haven't even had a paycheck in the New Year (it is tomorrow) and it is starting.  The item up for debate?  Our mattress.

image from Photobucket

G-man woke up in a FOUL mood.  He was stomping around, throwing things in the sink and onto the counter.  Yelling at the kids for nothing.  Childish would be an understatement.  And this isn't the first time this has happened.

I pulled him into the other room to talk, and he was pissy with me.  He was TIRED, and his back HURT.  OK, so I have been hearing this for YEARS.  He blamed our mattress.  So we switched out the mattress we were using for the one that used to be in the guest bedroom (which had minimal usage on it).  And that quieted the matter for a bit.  And then it started up again.  We bought a topper.  And it quieted again.  But not for long.

If you don't count the minimal use that the mattress had before we switched them out, this mattress is about 3-4 years old.  It wasn't super high quality when we bought it, but it wasn't super cheap either.  I would say it was around a 6.5/10.

I have refused to get a new mattress for a few reasons:

1. The expense
2. We totally disagree on what to look for in a mattress
3. And....until our marriage was better....a new mattress stood for more commitment than I was willing to give

Now he is "blaming" me for being tired and such.  Because I refuse to get a new mattress.  He says "it is fine," yet I am the one that has to listen to all of this jazz.  This morning I said....Fine.  We will get a new mattress...but you have to figure out where the money will come from because it isn't going to be a credit card, and it isn't going to come from our regular budget.  And he pouted.

Yes, he pouted.

We have $500 built into the budget for something...but we are a long way off from saving that.  I am not going to dip into EF.  I am not going to scrape together all the extra stuff from various places.

What would you do? 

You be the judge....who's "right"?

This rack was full on both sides

Confession time....remember when we had the yard sale in June?  Here are the pictures of all the clothes we were selling (and remember...I have been selling stuff off for several years...this is what we STILL had) :

2T-size 7

Newborn - 18 months

Most of this stuff did not sell.  :(  We put them back into boxes, and those boxes landed in our "playroom."  We were too tired to deal with it.

A few weeks later, consignment shops started taking fall and winter stuff.  So I tried that route on some of the things.  I found out that wasn't worth the time.  They rejected 80% of what I brought, and the 20% that they did take...I got about a $1 per item (which was exactly what I was selling the clothes for at the yard sale).  But bringing the stuff there, having to wait hours for them to sort it, then get $20?  It wasn't worth it.

So we decided to donate it to Goodwill.

Now, G-man has participated in this process very little.  He mostly was the brawn who moved the boxes.  The actual sorting and dealing with it...not so much.  And since the yard sale, he hasn't looked at any of it.  He fully admits this, and also has no plans to help me with the cleaning up at all.

I have said multiple times that I wanted the playroom back to working order before school starts.  So I have spent a great deal of time bagging everything up, making a list for the tax donation, and driving it over.  We have donated about 12 bags, and I still have lots more stuff.

And here we are at the impasse:

G-man thinks we should just bring the stuff over...screw the tax write off.  

Just get it out of the house.

vs.

I think that for the quantity of stuff that we have, it is too big of donation to not take the write off.

I want him to help me bag and list and finish.

Ok...so who's "right"?  Are you team Mysti or team G-man????

Beating away the financial blahs

I already know where and why these feelings are creeping in.  But there are here....so now I have to deal with them.  It is a combination of my meds being a little off, plus having a night out and spending money, and.....I am leaving for a few days to visit a friend.

I never claimed to be Gazelle intense.  And while I love to read about others who are....it does frustrate me that we can't/won't do that.  I just hate to adjust our current totals and have to adjust them UP.

I am frustrated that no matter what I do, the "master" plan doesn't work.  There is ALWAYS a repair that ends up being way higher than what we have set aside.  The cars...I question if we should have gotten rid of them awhile ago.  The order of doing things seems to be in a constant state of change.

This year has been rough.  But honestly...every year is rough.  2007 was the death of our twins, along with a huge oil leak.  2008 was my miscarriage and having to replace the roof.  2009 was the death of my father-in-law, car issues, and a myriad of other things.  2010...who knows.  And now....2011....marriage issues, the pool, car issues.....now having to fix Bossy's room.....

Apparently....I just suck at this getting out of debt thing.  G-man made a comment the other night that really upset me....."debt is just a way of life."  That spoke VOLUMES to me.  While he wants to be out of debt, and is participating more in the discussions....he isn't getting it yet that this noose around our neck is just weighing down our LIFE.

Now that our medical waiver is gone...my student loan is going up....we are unable to lower our interest rates without either opening another credit card, or maybe a new Lending Club loan....it is time to revisit the budget AGAIN...and figure this out. 

I know I am not getting a raise at work (state budget cuts).  I know that G-man is willing to work more overtime, when it is available....but if it isn't available....there isn't much we can do.  I know that we are saving for Christmas, car stuff, irregular expenses.....and we are doing the best we can.

I am just frustrated that others are pulling way ahead, and we are treading water.

So my two small things for the day to make me financially feel better are 1) continue to pack up yard sale leftovers to sell at consignment (we did a trial run on Friday, and we will probably get about what we were asking at the yard sale), and 2)  I bought some bulk coupons for shampoo, which with sales...will come out to about $1 a bottle. 

Pity party over.

Nice Date Night

We went out....I didn't stress about the money.....had a very nice time.

G-man loved my outfit, and I felt pretty and sexy in it.  And he looked very nice in his new outfit.  Much better than the rags he has the tendency to wear.

Dinner was ok.  I wasn't overly impressed, but it was just nice to get out and try a new place.  We walked over to the chocolate shop a few doors down and had something sweet to top off our meal.  We sat outside at a little cafe table and enjoyed a BEAUTIFUL evening.

The movie was terrific!  I am very glad I got the IMAX 3D.  Packed house!  We got popcorn and a soda to share, and it was YUMMY.

We had dessert (again?) before we headed home.  In case you missed it, it was a full moon last night....so it was a bright night. 

We won't be able to do all of this again for a while, but I "hope" that G-man tries to do something.   We had a nice time.

I did a kind of, sort of bad thing......

G-man and I rarely go out on our own (unless you count going to Target while the kids are at camp).  But like a real date.....I can count on one hand how many times that has happened since we had the kids almost 9 years ago.  And given our current circumstances...this is something we need to work on.

I have asked G-man to take the lead on this....but this is just not his bag.  So I decided that I needed to show him how to do it.  Sort of like when we are teaching the kids something...you have to MODEL it first before you can let them try it on their own.

So on a whim...I decided to plan a date.  I called around and found a sitter for the evening (at $10 an hour....but that is the going rate.  *sigh*).  G-man knows we have something planned, but doesn't know the specifics.  Actually....he doesn't know about the sitter.....

We will be going to a new noodle house that opened in town a few months ago that got really good reviews.  And we will be going to see Harry Potter!  I bought the tickets on line yesterday, and sprung for the 3D IMAX ones.  I picked them up already so we wouldn't have to wait in line.  It is going to be busy there tonight!

I bought G-man a new outfit (shorts and a polo shirt, from Marshall's), which I will lay out on the bed while he is in the shower.  And I got a new skirt (he loves me in skirts...and I rarely wear them.  This is long and flowy, and Bohemian).  And I got some shoes...which were needed by next week anyway.

Clothes - about $150 for 2 pairs of shoes, shorts, 2 shirts, and a skirt)
Movies - $36, plus popcorn if we choose
Dinner - I am guessing about $30-$40, if we get drinks.
Sitter - $60-$70

YIKES.  We are at about $300.  Even if I didn't get the clothes....we would still be at $150.  For dinner and a movie.  Days of a cheap dinner and a movie are gone!!  But I am not overly upset.  We need to spend some time together.  And I need to show him how to plan a date (get a sitter, pick a restaurant.....).  The clothes...those were just a bonus. 

Sometimes you have to invest in your marriage.

A few updates....

We always have so much going on....


The washing machine - G-man took things apart, cleaned it....for the moment it seems to be better.  We also found out that the part that seems to be going is only $72 (vs. $125).  Let's hope that it doesn't come to that!  Luckily, we have a laundrymat around the corner, so if the washer does go out...we can at least get the clothes washed (and brought home to dry).

Camp - as of today....Camp for the kids is fully funded!!!!  Since it in an ING acct, we can't withdraw the money for a week....but it is so nice knowing that we saved up for a planned expense, and we can now enroll them both for 7 weeks of fun.  I am glad that I changed my savings strategy and put all my efforts into this one goal.  Moving on to saving for the kids' birthday parties, then finishing our Christmas fund.....then back to Camp again!  The cycle of the year....

Vacation - In an attempt at reclaiming some "family" time....we are taking a mini vacation this weekend.  The kids are off for Good Friday, but we are taking them out of school a few hours early on Thursday.  We will be going to Sesame Place!!!  This Friday is "Autism Day" and admission to the park is FREE, with a $25 parking fee.  But c'mon....$25 is nothing for a family of 4 to get into a theme park.  We found a hotel for less than $100 a night (with breakfast included and an indoor pool!!).  The kids are super excited!!!  And we need a few days to just focus on our family.  G-man had overtime in this week's paycheck, which will cover the cost of our weekend.

Refi Money - We are just about at the point where we are ready to pull the trigger and actually USE the money for debt now.  I am a little torn....of the $2,000 we will use for debt (the remainder is replenishing our emergency fund), the original plan was $1,000 to CC1, and $1,000 to the car.  BUT....G-man gets paid 3 times in May....if we take half of his extra check, and the full $2,000....the car is paid off!!!!!  That will free up $350 a month to apply to other debt (CC1 has the highest interest rate). 

If we stick to the original plan, the car will be paid off  in July.  (This is using half of his 3rd paycheck, plus $1000, plus regular payments....MAYBE we can swing a June payoff if we can throw a few snowflakes that way).

and last but not least....

Mysti/G-man - We are trying to work things out.  It is slow going.  Trust is a hard thing to earn back.  But he has been much more engaged with me and the kids.  He is back living at home, and we are both in individual counseling, as well as couples counseling.  It has now been just over 2 months since this disaster started, and we are no where close to being "over it."  But we are hopeful that learning to communicate with each other, learning to work through resentments and anger from our marriage, and rediscovering why we got married in the first place will all lead to a stronger marriage.  Wish us luck!!!

Someone send me some positive energy tonight....**UPDATE**

G-man and I are sitting and working on budget matters.

Things are still tense, and he currently isn't living here.  He seems to think we can squeeze blood from a turnip. I know I shouldn't post this....but here goes (to some degree).

He is trying to find "extra" money to pay rent in our marital budget.  He asked me where we can pull money from.  I told him....uh, nowhere.  I am angry that he thinks that his actions should result in a ME figuring out how to pay for it.  So I said...fine....let's start from scratch.

He is completely clueless.  And one of MY steps towards change is having to give up some control.  So instead of just working on the budget myself, WE will do it.  The only place I can really see where there is to "pull" from is our Christmas Fund.  And I told him that I do not want the kids to pay for his mistakes.

He has agreed to work some extra shifts.....amazing how he is NOW willing to do it.  When I have suggested it in the past as a way of generating extra income to GET OUT OF DEBT....he wasn't willing.  Why should he have to do any more than he was....

So tonight.....when you feel that cold rush around you....and you just are feeling that something is off balance in the world....that is probably the JuJu seeping out from my house.

**UPDATE**

Wow....he had no idea what things cost.  Food...he said $250 a month for the family.  HAHAHA.  Gas...he said $300.....it WAS $400 before the prices went up....now we are closer to $450.   He forgot some major expenses.

I think the small exercise did help some.  He sees that this isn't easy.  He sees that every dollar is obligated to something.

End result....he needs to work a minimum of 8 hrs of overtime a month, above and beyond his office and part time jobs....to pay his "rent."  I showed him how much money that is...and if he had just done this before....when we talked about it in regards to debt....that we would be in a much different place right now.  

He and I are trying to work things out....I am still not sure.  We did talk about him moving home, just from a money point of view.  I would love to have that OT to put toward debt!  But there are more things to discuss.  Will let you all know if I can.

Resolution is a nice thing

After my hissy fit on Monday, I decided that I needed to do some serious rebounding.  I like to think I can do it all, but once in a while....I can't.  Sorry.  Despite popular belief, I am human, not SUPER human.  I needed to resolve several problems.

PROBLEM:  I am needing a serious jolt of positive juju. 
RESOLUTION: 

1)  I have $100 Spa card, and I will use it for either a facial or Reiki session (which is what I am leaning toward).
2)  I desperately need my hair cut, so my $50 from Christmas will go to that.
3)  A local fitness center is doing $10/mon special, so this weekend I am checking that out.
4)  When G-man goes "home" in a few weeks, I am cleaning out my closet of all the stuff that I don't love, doesn't fit, etc.  I need to surround myself with things that make me feel good.

PROBLEM:  I am unappreciated and G-man takes me for granted.
RESOLUTION:  I told him that I done having this same argument.  There was not a true resolution, but I told him that I need to take some time for myself.....I am worth it.

PROBLEM:  Next debt snowball steps.
RESOLUTION:  We finally decided that once his car is paid off, the money we have been putting toward that car payment will continue to be saved for a new to me car, and once my student loan payment increases in October, the remainder of what is left will continue to go towards a new car (so not folding into the debt snowball). My car is going into the shop AGAIN tomorrow due to the belt issue.  I am hoping this isn't an expensive repair.  But it is looking like my car may start to nickel and dime us.

Additionally, the next debt on the chopping block will be his credit card.  We need to figure out if it is worth trying to do another Lending Club loan, just to get the lower interest rate....since they take some off the top, the savings might not be worth it....vs just paying extra on it per month.   It is somewhat frustrating that this is a larger debt and we won't be able to see huge progress, but it is what it is.

PROBLEM:  Loose ends from the mortgage refi
RESOLUTION:  Talked to Mortgage Guy, and

1)  The taxes were NOT double paid.  The new title company held on to the payment, and now that our taxes have posted, that check will be released to US, not the city.
2)  The extra checks we got from the attorney are ok to cash (which will probably pay for my car repair tomorrow)
3)  Still waiting on the escrow check from old company, but that should be coming soon. 

Once we have all this money, we will be able to make some nice big payments!!!


That is about it for now.....a few things have been settled, and it calms my brain.  Now, if I can only get my house cleaned again.....I will be back in business!

A Manipulation of Anniversary Numbers

Thirteen years ago, I became Mrs. G-man.  It was a beautiful wedding, full of love, and STRESS!  We look back on it now and see how the year we were engaged and events that transpired would set the tone for our marriage.  So you engaged people....pay attention to what is going on RIGHT NOW!!  I bet in 10 years you will look back and see some patterns.

Here are some numbers that I thought were interesting:

Our debt on our wedding day:  $55,000
Today's Debt:  Just under $68,000

That is $13k difference!  The same number as the number of years we have been married!  We have averaged only $1000 debt per year.  (Hee hee...like that is anywhere close to true!)

******

Number of kids we had on our wedding day:  0
Number of kids we have had total:  5
Number of kids we have now:  2

We have averaged 1 kid every 2.6 years.....even though that isn't even close to how it happened!

*****

Our rent on our wedding day:  $850
Our mortgage today:  $1709

Look at how great we are doing!  We can afford double what we could the day we got married!  HAHAHA!

*****

Anyway you look at it....13 years is still 13 years.  Many people thought it would only last a year.  We were so different.  We were only dating 7 weeks when we got engaged (and no, I wasn't pregnant when we got engaged.....the thousands we spent on fertility intervention make this notion extra funny).  We were young....on our wedding day, I was 22 and he was 26.

Those two crazy kids (and I look back now, and say...we really were YOUNG) had no idea what was in store for them.  They didn't know the struggles or the problems that would unfold over the years.  The loss of a parent, the losses of our babies.  Watching Bossy and Sassy struggle for life, and watching Bossy struggle every day thereafter.  They didn't know that there would be days that we both just wanted to quit.

But we were in love.....and despite everything, we still are.  I may think he is a PITA, but he is MY PITA.  And there are few men that would work 2 jobs for 8 years just to make ends meet.  Who would put up with my constant analysis of everything.  Who would still love me despite all my flaws.  

So Happy Anniversary to us!  We may not be anywhere close to where we thought we would be, but all our experiences make us, US.  And we are pretty cool people.....and a pretty cool couple.  Kiss kiss to my husband of 13 years......

Financial Goals 2011

I know that some of these are a stretch.  I also know that some of these are a little subjective.  But here we are!!!  We are set to kick some major butt this year.

In order to have some perspective, as of January 1 our current debt total is $68,685.37 broken down to:

• Credit Card -  $35,065.23
• Student Loan -$29,225.79
• Car-                 $4,156.35
• Medical -             $208.00

1)  Pay off car early.  It is scheduled to be paid off December 2011/January 2012.  I would like to have it paid off earlier.  I am not setting a deadline (but August is the one in my head!), but I just want it done ahead of schedule.  DONE!!!

2)  Pay off $10,000 in debt (not including the retirement loan).  OK....really, I want $12,000 which is about 30% more than we paid off in 2010. But I am setting the bar a little lower in the hopes of SMASHING this goal, and then motivating myself to get to the REAL goal of $12,000.

3)  Side Hustle $2000.  This will come from blogging money, selling items, odd jobs (including my new gig as a ChaCha guide!), etc. This will be a combined Mysti/G-man goal, but it also includes 1/3 of the hustle money to be "mad" money.  See the new tally on the side bar to help me keep track.  We aren't setting it up as $1000 each, but I am hoping that G-man gets motivated since he will get to keep 1/3 of it to "play" with.

4)  Open ING Christmas Account.  Let's not have a repeat of 2010.  *sigh* DONE!!!

5)  Continue to work on zero-based budget.  This is still hard for us!!  But we are getting there.

6)  Curb food spending.  Eating out has gotten out of hand.  Processed foods are too plentiful in the kids' diet.  Better food planning should help on both accounts.

7)  Get life insurance.  We have been irresponsible on this.  I know that we can't afford what we really should have.  But we have to start somewhere.  We can always modify the amount and type later...but right now, we just need to do it.

8)  Make will.  The biggest reason we haven't made a will....we really don't have a guardian for our kids.  No one is the right decision.  But we have to bite the bullet and just do this too.  Not planning on kicking the bucket, but need to make sure the wee folks are taken care of.

9) Resume retirement savings.  We stopped contributing so we could increase our cash flow.   I am hoping as the balances continue to go down on our debts, we can start contributing again.  At least to get the employer match of 5%.

10)  Find one "free" family thing to do per month.  It might be a picnic, a school event, or something I haven't thought of yet!  No one says you have to spend money to have family time.

Don't forget to check out my blogging and personal goals too!!!

Did He Lose His Ever-Loving Mind??????

Bossy was home sick on Monday and Tuesday.  When he returned on Wednesday, I sent a note asking if they needed anything for the Holiday Party on Thursday (Sassy came home with the info last week, but Bossy never did).  Teacher replied cheese and pepperoni.

G-man said he would stop on his way home (at 11pm) and pick it up.  Ok, great.

Well, he bought 2 lbs of cheese and 2 bags of pepperoni.  The school gets funny about open packages, so I have to send 2 pounds of cheese in, and 1 bag of pepperoni.

My husband spent $17.70 on this!!!  $17.70 for a school party??  Is he nuts??????

There is nothing I can do about it now. But this is what I am talking about.  He pays absolutely no attention to what he is doing!!!!  $17.70.....ridiculous!

A small sense of relief

I am weird.   I know it.  I just try and embrace the weirdness.  G-man is so laid back that he just lets me be weird.

I NEEDED to work on finances last night.  Like, I was having anxiety issues because I HADN'T done it in about a week.  I booted him off the computer, and went and checked all of our accounts.  I have a notebook where I write all the bills, the minimum payment and due date, and current balances.  I check it off as I pay it.  Not high tech, but sometimes the act of writing something, vs typing it is more powerful for me.

So I balanced the checkbook.  Paid some bills on line, and one over the phone.  Wrote out a bunch of medical bills.  Paid the water bill (I am still upset that it was $349.)  And a HUGE sense of calm came over me.

My finances were taken care of for the moment.  I am not clueless...I know our budget is busted, and that we owe 68k.  I know that we blew it for our goal of paying off my student loan (although I am seriously thinking of using my bonus money).  I know that I had a "secret" goal of paying off $10,000 by December 31 that won't happen.

But for the moment....the utilities were paid.  My bill binder was empty.  My checkbook was balanced (granted, I had to transfer $300 from our savings account to cover a few things).  And I was happy again.

Oh boy....I messed that up

In the past, G-man has gotten a big fat F on gift giving.  Doesn't matter the occasion....and really, he only has my birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas to contend with (we don't do Anniversary gifts since it is only a month after Christmas).  Christmas is usually ok....the others.....leave something to be desired.

In a fit of annoyance, I told him I wasn't going to set a limit on his spending for my Christmas gift.  "Just don't go stupid crazy, ok," was my only guideline.  Now, I really should have known better.  I have been married to this man for almost 13 years....I do understand his thought process and spending ways.  But I was mad, and I was being a little selfish, and I wanted a little recognition for all that I do.  (Yes, he tells me he loves me, and that his grateful for what I do....but trust me, "heartfelt" isn't the word I would use to describe the conversation).

Additionally....I thought it would be easier to undo any damage he does if it is all contained to one place.....

ok....here we go....*duck and cover*   I told him to use his credit card.

*duck and cover*  I thought if it all went to one place, I could tally it up, and offset it.  Yeah......um....this isn't working so well.

So this is what is happening.....first off, I can see where he is buying stuff.  And I am getting a little confused.  Like the $26 he spent in Best Buy yesterday.  There is only one thing on "the pre-approved list" that could be purchased there, and it isn't $26.  So who knows what he is doing.

(A note about the pre-approved list:  This has only happened in the past few years.  It stems from YEARS of gift giving from family and friends that decide to ignore ideas and go off on their own, and it is never good.  I have gotten pajamas I hate.  Jewelry I will never wear.  Movies I will never watch.  And the worst.....ugly Harry Potter resin bookends.  So now, we each pick out specific items and those are the EXACT items to be gotten....)

Second, he is using his CC for gas, groceries, fast food.  UH, NO!!!!  That is not what we agreed to!!!!!

I spoke to him about this and said

1)  I love you.
2)  Are you keeping track of what you are doing....it isn't about the total at each store...you have to add it all up, my love.  When I asked him if he knows what he has spent...he didn't.  I am getting $225 before all of the other stuff that was on the no-no list.  *sigh*
3)  Why are you buying other stuff....which went into a thing about his debit card not working, and blah blah blah.  Hello, communication, my love!  If your debit card isn't working, you need to tell me!

I fully realize that I am partially to blame.  I should have known better than to let him loose on all of this.  It really did come from a rotten place where I was feeling sorry for myself and tired of being the one shafted all the time. 

Do you know how hurtful it is when your kids at Thanksgiving say "I am thankful for Daddy, because he is fun and I like his music."?  When it is Mommy who runs herself ragged.  When it is Mommy who keeps everything running.  When it is Mommy who deflects everything. 

Yes, Daddy works alot of hours.  And that is basically where Daddy stops.  And Mommy does the cooking, cleaning, finances, medical, and everything else.  And everyone sings the praises of Daddy.

I also know if I slap his hand, I am by default punishing myself.  If I scold him, he won't do it....and I will continue to lose out, since he can't seem to show me appreciation.

I am going to have to rack up all the damage.  I have bought a few things  for the house and probably shouldn't have.  And I still have a few gifts to buy for some random people.  But I need to see where the bleeders are, and cauterize them.

Yeah...I am whiny and I know it.  I know I come off horribly selfish sometimes, and that it is all about ME.  But please understand.....I am the one who does without most of the time.  I am the one who runs EVERYTHING.  And I am barely acknowledged.  My parents blame me for everything.  And once in awhile, I just want what I want.  For those 2 minutes....I just want something to be about me, and not about everyone else.

Dating on a Budget

G-man has been trying to get back in my good graces.  And honestly, he has been working hard this week.  But we will see if the momentum continues.  We have been here before....things are fine, even good, for a few weeks, and then we are back to same ole same ole.

Fridays are typically our "errand" day.  We are both off of work.  Kids are at school (or camp, now).  So we can bee-bop around.  Tomorrow's schedule includes dropping his car off for an oil change (woo hoo!  Have a gift card, plus 10% coupon, PLUS, a $13 cash rebate!).  After that....I figured we would do our weekly grocery shopping, and I need to get a gift for a baby shower.

He wants to go to the movies (a super duper RARE event in our house).  Again, in an effort to woo me, he found a local theater that has the new Twilight movie (yeah, I am a tween....a 35 year old tween) at 10am.  But even the matinee price would be $15 for the two of us.  No drink or snack.  Just $15 for the honor of watching the movie.....and that is at the cruddy theater!

I told him that while the idea was nice, it really is too much money.  And reiterated that getting out of debt is sacrifice.  I need to keep pounding that idea into his head!!!  Date night does not have to be expensive.  And it doesn't have to satisfy anyone except us.

I am fine with spending the day doing errands.  And waiting a few months for the movie to go to the redbox and we can rent it for a buck.

At what point will he learn all of this???  Didn't we just have an $80 disaster date night dinner, just a week ago????

Back from vacation....part 3......Dave Ramsey edition

First off...a quick note about our budget blunders....I am probably being harder on us than I should be.  It isn't like we took extra day trips, went shopping, etc.  Broken kid's thing, groceries for parents....what are ya gonna do??  Stuff happens.  Dinner out and going on the day trip when we didn't save up enough for it....that one is on us.

So here it is....beside the traffic we sat in for hours, the hundreds of dollars over budget that we spent.....oh, and the talk with Mom and Dad (yet to come!)....the defining moment of our vacation.

G-man and I went out to dinner our last night at my Mom's (as previously mentioned).  After dinner, we wandered around Barnes and Noble (which, can be a very dangerous place!!!!).  We didn't buy anything (although it was way tempting....) and for the most part, he and I went our separate ways while we were in there.

He did check out the "self help" section, to find out why he is being an incredible selfish jacka$$.  He looked at some martial arts books, and the cooking section.  He did NOT look at the personal finance section.  I know this because it was part of a later....ahem....."discussion."

Another fight.  Just great.

We had a 6 hour drive to his mom's house (7 with traffic).  And instead of reading his fishing magazine, he picked up The Total Money Makeover that I brought with us (and for the record, I didn't bring it for him....I wanted to re-read it, in my spare time.....HA, spare time....I slay myself....).

He read some on our way home also.  Not sure if he was enjoying it, learning something, trying to score points with me....I don't care at this point.  I am just glad that he took a step.

We did discuss some of what he read.  Unfortunately, he hasn't gotten to the meat and potatoes of it yet, but we talked about what he did read.  He was somewhat delusional and actually said "well, we are doing most of this already."  Oh really.....do tell.

He talked about our HSA....which we don't have.....we have a FSA.  He talked about budget.....um, did you miss the part about zero balance, and that also means accounting for future expenses? 

He did find the life insurance section interesting.

And he told me we need to lay out all of our debt, and figure out what we are paying where.....and when we think it will be paid off.  *sigh*  Apparently he thinks I am just guessing at of this!!!  Hello??!!!  I did that a long long time ago!!!

But most of all....he finally got the idea that with some work....it is possible to be out of this mess in 3 years.  And be able to save more for retirement, and put aside money for college for Sassy (I am not forgetting Bossy....but his money is already taken care of).  Oh and yes.....maybe be able to live a normal life!!

Lots more discussion to come between he and I.  And he has yet to really get the snowballing idea.  Or the fact that he is going to have to sacrifice some.  But at least this is a start.

Back from Vacation....part 2.....Budget Blunders

UGH.  This actually started before we even left our street.  Not a good way to start vacation.



The DVD Player Story:

I have already said that I am all about planning, and there should be no reason to be running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  And the night before we left....I wasn't.  G-man....that was a different story.  He is in charge of  "electronics" for our trips.  This includes installation of DVD players, chargers, etc.  I should have known that something was going to happen on this front.  When he snapped at me that he couldn't find the car charger for Bossy's DVD player, the curse was placed.  He did find it eventually (in a place that neither of us can figure out how it got there, but since he is in charge of this....it was all him....no one to blame but himself).

Back to the start of our trip.....Bossy said his movie wasn't on.  G-man looked at it...the player wasn't working.  20 minutes later....still not working.  No matter what...it wasn't going to work.  Well, isn't that just ducky.  It was 6:20 in the morning and we had traveled 3 miles.  No way we could go 14 more hours without one.  So we ran over to Kmart....they didn't open until 8am.  Ran to Walmart....they didn't open until 7am.

Decided to head on down the road and stop at the first big box store that opened along the way.  At 6:50 we tried Target....nope, they weren't open yet.  Hit another Walmart at 6:58 and walked in as the doors were opening.  Half hour later, we were ready to hit the road with a new DVD player and case.....to the tune of $121.  Of course the cheapest one they had was out of stock.  So I went for the cheapest I could get, at $99.  Needed a way to mount it to the seat...hence the case.  (our previous one didn't need a case because it was a seat mount style to start with).

I put it on a CC.  I wasn't happy about it.  But I knew I didn't have available cash at the moment.  And I knew that 14 hrs in the car without one wasn't an option either.  I am not sorry we did it though.  He was happy as a clam, and with the headphones I got for both kids, it made for a very quiet trip.

G-man claims that he tried out the now broken player the night before and it was fine.  I am doubtful he tried it out.  I really think he was mad that he couldn't find the charger and just installed it without turning it on.  If it didn't work the night before, then we could have gotten another one....using emergency fund or savings account money and not used a CC.  I have to take his word that he tried it out...but I also know my husband.....he didn't try it out and wasn't going to admit it.

Groceries/Food:

This is a mixed bag story.  Part of the budget blunders are from just buying food for the car and G-man buying too much perishable stuff.   Like I said, we were able freeze some, so it wasn't a total wash.  But trying to go from my mom's to mother-in-law, and then home....trying to pack food for the trip became more difficult as we went as our patience was wearing out, we were spending money we hadn't planned for, and G-man and I were at odds.

The rest of this story involves my parents.  My mom keeps Kosher in her home, which, when you grow up with it, isn't that hard to deal with.  If you haven't grown up with it, it is cumbersome.  But I digress...

Mom failed to buy food for our trip.  Or should I say....enough food.  Father's Day....my dad was out of sorts, and their brilliant idea to go out to dinner was not so brilliant.  As I tried to explain to them.....no reservations on a "holiday" does not equal a pleasant dining experience.

So I went to the store to get some stuff to cook out on the grill.  As I mentioned...Mom keeps Kosher....which is very expensive when buying meat.  I got some chicken and steak...and spent over $60 just on meat that was for one dinner (and a small amount left over).  Add in sides, and the additionally things mom asked me to pick up....I was at $130.  Totally not budgeted for.

Then add in when G-man and I went out to dinner alone.  My parents had said they wanted to treat us to a massage while we were there, but we passed on that idea and said that we would rather a dinner alone.  They said fine.  Well, silly us thought that when they offered to TREAT for the massage and we came up with an alternative...that it was still a TREAT.  Nope, guess not.  $80 for dinner.  I had wanted to go some place cheaper, but G-man wanted more of a 'date' night (which turned into a disaster which again, would go into another blog!).

Day trips:

I already admitted that we didn't save up enough for our vacation day trips, but were going to do it anyway.  Well, we planned for one day trip....and then Dad threw in another.

While at my parents' house, we took the kids to a Discovery Museum.  Mom didn't go that day because SHE was out of sorts that time.  Dad picked up the tickets, but due to the timing, we ended up having lunch there (never mind that I wanted to go after lunch at home.....).  And Dad let me get lunch....$45.

While at my mother in law's...we planned on taking the kids to the aquarium...the one thing we did plan for.  Tickets....$138.  Mother in law picked up lunch.  And then parking was $22.  Oh, and it was an additional half tank of gas!!  So our out of pocket expense for this adventure was about $185!!!!!!*sigh*  If it was just this one expense that we didn't have saved up for, I would have been ok with it.  But at this point, we were about $375 over and above any expense we had anticipated.

By the end of our vacation....we had charged about $500 worth of expenses over and above what we had cash for or had prepurchased.  OUCH.

A word of advice to you youngins

A post directed at you young things that are still dating...maybe engaged...MAYBE newly married:

Money is the root of many of an argument if you let it.  Even if you think you have had alot of talks with your beloved, where you think you know everything...you don't.

Yes, maybe you have come clean about your debt.  Mistakes.  Dreams.  Maybe you have worked out who will pay the bills, how much you are willing to pay for rent or a mortgage.  Maybe you know about each other's 401k and if you will have joint or separate accounts for checking and savings.  You got it covered, right??   WRONG!  WRONG!!

The adjustment from going to you and you to WE is more major than you think.  Those blessed words of I do really do change the scenario.  You say, oh Mysti....we live together...it won't change.....yes it will, youngin!!

EVERY SINGLE one of my friends said this to me....see, I was the first to get married, and no one listened to me.  Until after the wedding, when they called and said "OMG, you were soooo right!  It is so different!"

My advice to you:

1)  Keep the lines of communication open.  Keep talking about it all.  Admit your fears.  Admit when you need help.  Offer help.  Make sure you are a team.

2)  Don't be afraid to change.  Just because you made some decisions early on, this doesn't mean that revisiting them from time to time is a bad thing.  Maybe you will find that the first path wasn't the right one and you need to veer onto a new one.  Maybe you started with a joint account....and it just ain't working for you.  So, try something else!


3)  Keep it real.  Life is real.  Money is real.  It might be great to have a plan to retire at 42, and if you can pull it off....more power to ya.  But life happens.  Children, illness, job loss, parents...it all happens.  Remember that it is easy to get off track, and hard to get back on unless....you heed the advice of #1 and #2!!

There are many "mistakes" that G-man and I have made.  And we are paying for it now, dearly.  Not just with our debt, but in our marriage.  Resentment festers, until it is a big, nasty boil on the ass you call your life.  And trust me, when it opens, and the gooey pus spills out....it is gross.

I kicked G-man out last Friday.  He thought I was being emotional.  I wasn't.  I was fully in my own faculties.  I couldn't deal with him, and he needed to go.  It was either me and the kids, or him.  He wisely left for the night and slept on his friend's couch.

Our money issues have bred resentment for both of us.  He resents working 2 jobs, and not having ME time.  So he acts out.  He takes any spare time for himself....leaving me to do everything else.  He figures that extra money is his to play with.  It is my problem to figure out how to pay the bills.

I resent that he hasn't taken enough initiative in his life to better himself (and our family by association).  That opportunities have been lost.  That when he had the chance to make a difference, he refused.  I resent that we are stuck in a house that I am done with...in a state that I don't like.  The only thing holding us here is HIM.

I have threatened to leave with the kids.  This last time, he finally took me seriously.

So, as we are getting ready to leave for our family vacation.....I am trying to push all of this aside.  It isn't easy.  I am hoping that maybe a week away from our life will allow some of the anger to settle, and maybe we can talk.

Money is the only thing we argue about.  It is the underlying issue for everything that isn't right in our life.  Amazing how much power it has...... 

Bonus money

G-man just got a $400 bonus at work.  WTG G-man!

With that said......my first instinct was "woo hooo!!  Money to pay for Vacation!"  Then I thought "wooo hooo!  I might be able to pay off hospital #1 next month!!!"  Then, I thought about it.  If I got a bonus at work, G-man would tell me that it is mine to do with what I want.

What I want to do.....that is usually put it towards debt.  And typically that is what happens.

See, my boss knows if he gives me money as a bonus, I will spend it on the kids, bills, etc.  So when I get a bonus, it is in the form of a gift card to The Gap, the mall, etc.  He knows how women work.  With the exception of Holiday Bonus, which is cash (that I have been saving up to go shopping when I finish losing weight!), all of my bonuses have been gift cards.

But this is different.  This is cash.  But I told G-man that it is his to do what he wants.  Secretly, I am hoping that he takes some to fix the *&%$^% boat that I hate just so I don't have to listen to the complaining, and the rest to debt or vacation.

He told me he is planning on using some for the boat...and is undecided on the rest.  He mentioned various fishing places and how much fun he could have!  I really am hoping that cooler heads will prevail and he will think about the team, and not just him as the player.

ETA:  As a spin off....G-man is continuing to think about himself on an unrelated matter.  After 12 yrs of marriage, he still doesn't get it.  And I think that is why we aren't making more progress on our debt.  He and I still function as "he and I" and not WE.