Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Mommy Guilt

I am not sure what kind of mom I am.  I used to think I was the mom who was always there for my kids, active in school, knew everything that was going on in their lives.  I happily gave up my time, energy, money to make sure they were taken care of, both for needs and a few wants here and there.

I haven't been that mom lately.  I know that some of it is a function of their age....they just aren't going to tell me EVERYTHING any more.  And they shouldn't.  They need a few private things.  But I am confident that if something is really upsetting, they will come to me.  Case in point....Sassy will ask to talk to me and we will talk about whatever it is that is on her mind (mostly young lady stuff...  ;) )

But I haven't been as involved at school.....I was just burnt out.  And it really has been nice to not be running all over the place for meetings, events, and dealing with DRAMA.  I miss supporting the school and the kids....I don't miss all the other stuff.

And money.....I have spent a few dollars on myself lately, and feel so guilty!  New glasses (first ones in 8 years).  I got my hair cut and colored (first time in 17 months).  My birthday is coming up....and I told G-man let's just call my hair my gift...but he insisted on getting me something and already ordered it.  So I countered with Mother's Day (he hates that my birthday and Mother's Day are so close.....sorry!  Blame my parents.)  But all he said was "we will see."

I need some new shoes (I threw out a bunch that were falling apart).  And my weight loss efforts (or lack there of) may result in some new clothes if I don't do something soon.

I have picked up dinner ALOT in the past few weeks.  Not good for health or for the budget.

And spring break last week.....I worked all week.  And got home late 3 out of 5 nights.  One night I went to my friend's house to help her with her new 7 week old twins.  I got home late to my twins because I was cuddling and feeding someone else's twins.  (And I loved doing it.  I miss babies....not enough to have any more....that ship sailed.  But to be able to hold two babies again was so lovely). 

Over the weekend, their last few days of break....I had them helping me clean the house.

My kids are loved, fiercely.  They have food in their belly, a roof over their head, and clothes on their back (but good grief.....Sassy has grown so much that she pretty much needs new EVERYTHING).   But I just don't feel like a good mom right now.

I got my hair done on Saturday (3 hrs!).  And on Sunday....I decided it wasn't quite right.  So I called the salon on Monday and told them, and they were able to fit me in Tuesday evening.  I went straight to the salon from work...and didn't get home until 9pm.  Both kids were in bed.  I gave them kisses, but I didn't get to ask them how their SBAC testing was....or what they did in in Music that day.

I am missing my kids right now....but also craving some time alone.  And craving stuff that is for ME and just ME.  A day in the sun to read.....a new trip to see BFF.  But I also want to take the kids to the movies....or mini golf....or to the paint your own pottery place.

I want it all.