A post directed at you young things that are still dating...maybe engaged...MAYBE newly married:
Money is the root of many of an argument if you let it. Even if you think you have had alot of talks with your beloved, where you think you know everything...you don't.
Yes, maybe you have come clean about your debt. Mistakes. Dreams. Maybe you have worked out who will pay the bills, how much you are willing to pay for rent or a mortgage. Maybe you know about each other's 401k and if you will have joint or separate accounts for checking and savings. You got it covered, right?? WRONG! WRONG!!
The adjustment from going to you and you to WE is more major than you think. Those blessed words of I do really do change the scenario. You say, oh Mysti....we live together...it won't change.....yes it will, youngin!!
EVERY SINGLE one of my friends said this to me....see, I was the first to get married, and no one listened to me. Until after the wedding, when they called and said "OMG, you were soooo right! It is so different!"
My advice to you:
1) Keep the lines of communication open. Keep talking about it all. Admit your fears. Admit when you need help. Offer help. Make sure you are a team.
2) Don't be afraid to change. Just because you made some decisions early on, this doesn't mean that revisiting them from time to time is a bad thing. Maybe you will find that the first path wasn't the right one and you need to veer onto a new one. Maybe you started with a joint account....and it just ain't working for you. So, try something else!
3) Keep it real. Life is real. Money is real. It might be great to have a plan to retire at 42, and if you can pull it off....more power to ya. But life happens. Children, illness, job loss, parents...it all happens. Remember that it is easy to get off track, and hard to get back on unless....you heed the advice of #1 and #2!!
There are many "mistakes" that G-man and I have made. And we are paying for it now, dearly. Not just with our debt, but in our marriage. Resentment festers, until it is a big, nasty boil on the ass you call your life. And trust me, when it opens, and the gooey pus spills out....it is gross.
I kicked G-man out last Friday. He thought I was being emotional. I wasn't. I was fully in my own faculties. I couldn't deal with him, and he needed to go. It was either me and the kids, or him. He wisely left for the night and slept on his friend's couch.
Our money issues have bred resentment for both of us. He resents working 2 jobs, and not having ME time. So he acts out. He takes any spare time for himself....leaving me to do everything else. He figures that extra money is his to play with. It is my problem to figure out how to pay the bills.
I resent that he hasn't taken enough initiative in his life to better himself (and our family by association). That opportunities have been lost. That when he had the chance to make a difference, he refused. I resent that we are stuck in a house that I am done with...in a state that I don't like. The only thing holding us here is HIM.
I have threatened to leave with the kids. This last time, he finally took me seriously.
So, as we are getting ready to leave for our family vacation.....I am trying to push all of this aside. It isn't easy. I am hoping that maybe a week away from our life will allow some of the anger to settle, and maybe we can talk.
Money is the only thing we argue about. It is the underlying issue for everything that isn't right in our life. Amazing how much power it has......
Good for you. If G-Man cannot work with you, then he can deal with the other financial mess that is sure to come his way. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteJust wanting to let you know that I feel ya!! My husband and I have had a lot of disagreements lately over money, and the resentment is definitely there. He feels that he works hard and deserves his extra money - yeah that's what got us into $35K of credit card debt. I am desparate to get out - but he's not willing to make any sacrifices or even worry about it or participate. It sucks. Keep posting, you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm hardly one to give you advice, especially because I never married. [Which, sigh, means I have only MYSELF to blame for MY financial woes.] But this is where a good marital counselor can come in handy. It may be an expense you don't feel you can afford right now, but I'd suggest you go for it anyway. Two of my closest friends, married 12 years with 2 kids, went to counseling, thinking that money was the issue. In a sense it was, but the real issues turned out to be control and anger (when the wife got mad, she went shopping!); it also turned out that her husband's "calm & rational" approach to dealing with her was driven not by rationality, but by passive-aggressiveness and hid a lot of his own anger while driving her crazy. They only went to counselling for six sessions but it saved their marriage, and from this outsider's POV, made both of them nicer folks.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that G-man acts this way. I feel your pain as I have been in this situation (being the responsible one who takes care of everything). Unfortunatly, regardless of how hard many of us tries, money problems enter our lives and damage relationships. Enjoy your vacation-it is well deserved!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are having some trouble. I just finished a book that motivated the hell out of me! It is called The Other 8 Hours I'd be happy to mail it out to you on My Journey to Million's dime just want the promise it'll be mailed back eventually.
ReplyDeleteEmail me Directly.
Feel your pain. Been there done that! About fell out of my chair laughing when I read " ....big, nasty boil on the ass you call your life." No truer words, my friend! Great analogy!
ReplyDeleteWe went to a financial coach - who actually was both a marriage counselor and a trained financial planner... did wonders for us. Don't know that they are common, but they dug deep... realizing money is a symptom of much bigger issues!
Our sense of entitlement is going to come around and bite us in that boil festering ass if we don't deal with it! Keep on, keeping on. Hang in there. Prayers going up for you and kiddos!
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Money can indeed be a thorn in an otherwise positive marriage. My parents contemplated divorce because of money issues, but were able to find a way to communicate (the key issue!) and work through it. They've been married 36 years next month, and while they're going through a financially difficult time right now, they're in it together. That's such a difference from 20 years ago when they couldn't have a conversation about money! For them, couples counseling really helped.
ReplyDeleteI hope you and G-man are able to find a way to get on the same page and work as a team again.
There is a lot of wisdom in this post, Mysti! I said the exact same things when Mr. Red and I were getting married. "Oh, we've lived together for a year. Really, what could be different?" It is totally different when every decision affects, not just you, but your spouse as well. Mr. Red and I don't even share finances, and I already see it happening. I really hope you and G-man find some common ground.
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