A post directed at you young things that are still dating...maybe engaged...MAYBE newly married:
Money is the root of many of an argument if you let it. Even if you think you have had alot of talks with your beloved, where you think you know everything...you don't.
Yes, maybe you have come clean about your debt. Mistakes. Dreams. Maybe you have worked out who will pay the bills, how much you are willing to pay for rent or a mortgage. Maybe you know about each other's 401k and if you will have joint or separate accounts for checking and savings. You got it covered, right?? WRONG! WRONG!!
The adjustment from going to you and you to WE is more major than you think. Those blessed words of I do really do change the scenario. You say, oh Mysti....we live together...it won't change.....yes it will, youngin!!
EVERY SINGLE one of my friends said this to me....see, I was the first to get married, and no one listened to me. Until after the wedding, when they called and said "OMG, you were soooo right! It is so different!"
My advice to you:
1) Keep the lines of communication open. Keep talking about it all. Admit your fears. Admit when you need help. Offer help. Make sure you are a team.
2) Don't be afraid to change. Just because you made some decisions early on, this doesn't mean that revisiting them from time to time is a bad thing. Maybe you will find that the first path wasn't the right one and you need to veer onto a new one. Maybe you started with a joint account....and it just ain't working for you. So, try something else!
3) Keep it real. Life is real. Money is real. It might be great to have a plan to retire at 42, and if you can pull it off....more power to ya. But life happens. Children, illness, job loss, parents...it all happens. Remember that it is easy to get off track, and hard to get back on unless....you heed the advice of #1 and #2!!
There are many "mistakes" that G-man and I have made. And we are paying for it now, dearly. Not just with our debt, but in our marriage. Resentment festers, until it is a big, nasty boil on the ass you call your life. And trust me, when it opens, and the gooey pus spills out....it is gross.
I kicked G-man out last Friday. He thought I was being emotional. I wasn't. I was fully in my own faculties. I couldn't deal with him, and he needed to go. It was either me and the kids, or him. He wisely left for the night and slept on his friend's couch.
Our money issues have bred resentment for both of us. He resents working 2 jobs, and not having ME time. So he acts out. He takes any spare time for himself....leaving me to do everything else. He figures that extra money is his to play with. It is my problem to figure out how to pay the bills.
I resent that he hasn't taken enough initiative in his life to better himself (and our family by association). That opportunities have been lost. That when he had the chance to make a difference, he refused. I resent that we are stuck in a house that I am done with...in a state that I don't like. The only thing holding us here is HIM.
I have threatened to leave with the kids. This last time, he finally took me seriously.
So, as we are getting ready to leave for our family vacation.....I am trying to push all of this aside. It isn't easy. I am hoping that maybe a week away from our life will allow some of the anger to settle, and maybe we can talk.
Money is the only thing we argue about. It is the underlying issue for everything that isn't right in our life. Amazing how much power it has......