Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Oh boy....I messed that up

In the past, G-man has gotten a big fat F on gift giving.  Doesn't matter the occasion....and really, he only has my birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas to contend with (we don't do Anniversary gifts since it is only a month after Christmas).  Christmas is usually ok....the others.....leave something to be desired.

In a fit of annoyance, I told him I wasn't going to set a limit on his spending for my Christmas gift.  "Just don't go stupid crazy, ok," was my only guideline.  Now, I really should have known better.  I have been married to this man for almost 13 years....I do understand his thought process and spending ways.  But I was mad, and I was being a little selfish, and I wanted a little recognition for all that I do.  (Yes, he tells me he loves me, and that his grateful for what I do....but trust me, "heartfelt" isn't the word I would use to describe the conversation).

Additionally....I thought it would be easier to undo any damage he does if it is all contained to one place..... we go....*duck and cover*   I told him to use his credit card.

*duck and cover*  I thought if it all went to one place, I could tally it up, and offset it. isn't working so well.

So this is what is happening.....first off, I can see where he is buying stuff.  And I am getting a little confused.  Like the $26 he spent in Best Buy yesterday.  There is only one thing on "the pre-approved list" that could be purchased there, and it isn't $26.  So who knows what he is doing.

(A note about the pre-approved list:  This has only happened in the past few years.  It stems from YEARS of gift giving from family and friends that decide to ignore ideas and go off on their own, and it is never good.  I have gotten pajamas I hate.  Jewelry I will never wear.  Movies I will never watch.  And the worst.....ugly Harry Potter resin bookends.  So now, we each pick out specific items and those are the EXACT items to be gotten....)

Second, he is using his CC for gas, groceries, fast food.  UH, NO!!!!  That is not what we agreed to!!!!!

I spoke to him about this and said

1)  I love you.
2)  Are you keeping track of what you are isn't about the total at each have to add it all up, my love.  When I asked him if he knows what he has spent...he didn't.  I am getting $225 before all of the other stuff that was on the no-no list.  *sigh*
3)  Why are you buying other stuff....which went into a thing about his debit card not working, and blah blah blah.  Hello, communication, my love!  If your debit card isn't working, you need to tell me!

I fully realize that I am partially to blame.  I should have known better than to let him loose on all of this.  It really did come from a rotten place where I was feeling sorry for myself and tired of being the one shafted all the time. 

Do you know how hurtful it is when your kids at Thanksgiving say "I am thankful for Daddy, because he is fun and I like his music."?  When it is Mommy who runs herself ragged.  When it is Mommy who keeps everything running.  When it is Mommy who deflects everything. 

Yes, Daddy works alot of hours.  And that is basically where Daddy stops.  And Mommy does the cooking, cleaning, finances, medical, and everything else.  And everyone sings the praises of Daddy.

I also know if I slap his hand, I am by default punishing myself.  If I scold him, he won't do it....and I will continue to lose out, since he can't seem to show me appreciation.

I am going to have to rack up all the damage.  I have bought a few things  for the house and probably shouldn't have.  And I still have a few gifts to buy for some random people.  But I need to see where the bleeders are, and cauterize them.

Yeah...I am whiny and I know it.  I know I come off horribly selfish sometimes, and that it is all about ME.  But please understand.....I am the one who does without most of the time.  I am the one who runs EVERYTHING.  And I am barely acknowledged.  My parents blame me for everything.  And once in awhile, I just want what I want.  For those 2 minutes....I just want something to be about me, and not about everyone else.


  1. Mysti-- I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't. I know exactly where you are coming from though, because there are many times that I feel the exact way that you do. Hang in there!

  2. As far as the kids thinking daddy is cool, I can relay my own experiences.

    My mom was always the disciplinarian in our home. Dad was the cool one. And I'm sure it was hard for her and continues to be hard for her. But as soon as I moved out on my own? I came home and said, "Mom! I cannot believe all the stuff you did for us!" And I told my brothers, "You two need to wise up! You'll never have it as good as you do now, so you better appreciate mom and help her out." I guess that's the only solace I can offer on that point - it may suck now but one day your kids will realize how great and loving and giving their mom is too. :)

    I understand giving each other lists and sticking to them, but boo to being able to see where G-man goes shopping for gifts! That ruins the surprise! (What little of it there is!)

  3. Oh you're not selfish and I totally get where you are coming from. My husband works full time, I work part time but do everything else: finances, scheduling the kids, pick them up at school, take them to practices, help with homework, take them to medical appts, grocery shopping, cooking, errands, laundry, cleaning, yadda yadda. Working full time is way easier.

    You know what, sometimes you just have to give yourself a reward and NOT feel guilty about it.

    Usually mom is the one who goes without but there's nothing wrong with rewarding ourselves every once in a while, otherwise we start to get resentful.

  4. I just want to tell you that I know where you're coming from! I gave my husband his credit card to shop on so I would not look at the charges, and I'm nervous already. I also know how it feels to just want to be appreciated for what you do. Good luck with getting through the rest of the Christmas season!

  5. @Rachel - thanks!

    @Red - so you are saying I have to wait at least 10 more years for the kids to appreciate me? No way!!! As for knowing the gifts...I don't actually KNOW the gifts....just where things were purchased. But I am not a surprise kind of gal....I am kind of a control freak, in case you haven't figured that out. ;)

    @L- thanks for understanding...and saying it is ok to think about me once in awhile.

    @Sarah - good for you for not looking at the charges. I wish I could do that. But I was already way to nervous, and I didn't want to be hit with a $500 bill right after this way I was able to curtail the spending.

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  7. Mysti - I hear you. I am in a similar boat with my BF. What gets me is that I get home, I am tired (I drive about 90 minutes one way to get home) and will fall asleep watching TV. He gets annoyed, but I get up early, don't get to bed at a reasonable time, and he complains that I don't take of myself. Okay, part of that is getting the correct amount of sleep as well as exercising!

  8. except for the children part, I could have written this post myself. I feel like I have sacrificed so much this past year to try and get out of debt, but when the husband wants something, he doesn't think twice about it "oh let's just swipe the debit card" which is one of the main reasons I get so angry he spends $10 a day on lunch. I finally reached the point where I just bought what I wanted! including $70 worth of makeup (which of course equals 3 things) and new underwear...underwear!!!
    i know this sounds crazy but christmas will be the very first present the hubby gets I'm anxious to see what it will be. i didn't give him a budget--just said "use the card"
    oy vey...

  9. Oh my, I feel like I was reading my diary. My husband is the same EXACT way. Buying without thinking, the pre-approved list, working the long hours, but I do everything else. I get it, because he's not a bad guy and he is not completely incapable of being helpful, but it drives you crazy because all you do is think of others. Who is thinking and taking care of you?
    I have no answers, I can only validate that you are not the only one who feels like this at times. We have only been married for almost ten years so you even got me there.
    I am really trying to be a more positive person so I try and think of all the wonderful things he does and what strides he has taken in his own personal finance journey.
    Although positivity can suck it sometimes!

  10. Sometimes I think most men,(mine included) are practically helpless when we are around. They do go to work, fix the cars, mow the yard... but we as wives,mothers, and mothers who work outside the home are ALWAYS working.

    Is is that we are better multi-taskers... and can do many things well at one time?

    Or do we enable our husbands to do less because we CAN do it all?

    I feel your pain with the pre approved list too. I keep telling my husband that we need to keep it small for Christmas. He nods his head...and I know as sure as I am typing this... he has already picked out in his mind what he is getting me for Christmas.

    Last year it was a pressure washer. Oh yeah... he charged it too.

  11. I totally understand how you feel. My husband is a good guy, but we are deficit spending every month (because he hasn't worked in five years). I feel like I am ALWAYS trying to figure out where to pinch pennies and get more income while he feels justified in buying an iPad, two Kindles and four iPhones over the last five years. WTF??? And then he whines about the part time (5-10 hours per week) that he works. Really? Really?