Family DRAMA - the final instillation

For those of you who are following along....I swear, this is how it all went down.  Yes, my family is dysfunctional on so many levels.  I know.  And while it is easy to say "just don't give into it," 37 years of dealing with it in a certain manner is not easily changed.  I am working on it, but the after effects of my family run deep.

I won't bore you with a super long post about this part....because it could get REALLY long.  So I will hit the highlights.

• Just under FOUR hours to drive to the funeral (we left at 6:00am for a 10am service)
• Dad didn't say Hi to me when we walked it (claimed he didn't see me, but was talking to Bro)
• Mom wearing a very obvious bandage, and having every single person come up to her to ask what happened
• No air conditioning at the funeral home, with 100 people in attendance (and about half had to stand)
• Listening to my aunt's nieces (from her side of the family) deliver a beautiful eulogy about their aunt, yet nothing they said applied to how my aunt treated me or Bro
• Funeral home didn't stop traffic leaving, so the funeral procession was a mess, and people got lost (including me) and per my uncle, the GPS was taking us the wrong way.  We gave up and just went back to the house.
• Dealing with my aunt's friend who was none to happy that Bro and I were there early.
• Other friends of my uncle (whom I have known since I was a toddler, and never liked), picking on me that I don't visit my parents enough, and that I OWE them.
• Having to "re-meet" Mom's cousins, who continued to tell me that I was "this high" when they last saw me, and were astounded that I was an adult, married with kids....
• Mom's cousin being surprised I have dark hair (he and his brothers all have light hair), and someone pointing out that it was also purple.....and not in a nice way.
• Listening to friend of the family claiming we need anarchy in this country.
• Aunt's nieces shooing me away because they were cleaning up (no kids in the kitchen!)
• Mom was a little shaky all day, so I was getting her water, food, etc.....and bouncing between her and my dad, who was laying down because he didn't feel well, and getting HIM food, water, etc.
• FOUR hours to get home, due to traffic, having to stop for gas (that was a whole other adventure), and construction on the road.

But here is the big story I teased about....

Right before we left, my uncle was a little jittery.  I asked him if he had enough to eat.....yes, I ate 2 sandwiches.  OK, how about drinking water (it was in the upper 90's that day).  He said he was drinking soda.  I said, well, you need water to rehydrate, and I will get you some.

He turned around to me and said he knew his body, and he didn't need water.  I "argued" that water was better for hydration, and he needs to make sure he stays hydrated in the heat. I, in a kidding manner, said "hey, I can sass you just as easily as I sass them (meaning my parents)."

WHOA.  World War III.

He told me that "I wasn't too big for him to put over his knee."  I said I respectfully disagree.  And he goes on to say that when his other niece (my aunt's oldest niece) was 16, she sassed him, and wouldn't stop, so he spanked her, and she never did it again.  I said there is a big difference between a teenager, whose brain hasn't fully developed yet, and a grown adult.

He argued back that was BS, and in his day, "children" respected adults.  My dad jumped in about spanking and that only a parent has the "right" to spank their child, and yes...there is an age where it wasn't appropriate.

Cue my time to leave.  While I realize my uncle is grieving....being "put in my place" because I was trying to get him to take care of himself....forget it.

I have spoken to my dad once since all of this, and he had nothing to say about anything.  I will have to talk to Mom to get more details.   But there ya go.  48 hrs for all of this....and 3 days for me to "recover."  Nothing but fun here!

Family DRAMA - part 2

In case you didn't read part 1, check out yesterday's post.

So we left off with my father telling me to BEHAVE.  Thus, knocking me down to the status of a child.  I told him I am NOT a child, and I refuse to be treated as such.  Additionally, it is highly disrespectful.  He didn't seem to care.

He called back later to let me know that they still weren't at my Uncle's (it has now been 4 hrs.  I can't figure out what took so long).  He still didn't have the name of the funeral home, and I asked that he call me by 8pm, as Bro and I were probably going to go to bed early since we had to get up early.  It was 3:30pm at this point.

Did I mention that my brother paid $600 to fly up that day?  I picked him up at the airport around 6:30pm, and he stayed with me.  I hadn't seen him in several years, so it was sort of "nice."  Turns out....he thinks my parents are as loony as I do.

8:30pm....still nothing from my father.  I called....voicemail.  We have no idea where we were going in the morning...someone needed to know something.  But why communicate when you can just drive members of your family Bat-$hit crazy?  My brother tried calling at 9:00pm, and actually got my dad.

Now....be forewarned....I am NOT making this up.  This is actually what happened.

I am listening to Bro on the phone, arguing with my dad that we were NOT going to make it to the house by 9am (that would have required leaving at 5:15-5:30am) to take the limo (we didn't want to anyway, but in hindsight, should have taken the limo...more on this later) over to the funeral home.  Please just give us the name and address of the funeral home.  Finally he agrees....Bro writes it down.

The next words out of Bro's mouth....."So what time do you think you will be home from the hospital?"

Hospital?  Who is at the hospital?

Bro gets off the phone and just looks at me....."Sis, you are soooooo not going to believe this."

Turns out that my MOTHER (the one who needs all the attention), slipped getting into the mini van they rented (it was all the car's fault), fell backward, and HIT HER HEAD on the pavement.  Blood everywhere.  Had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital to rule out a concussion (it wasn't).  She had x-rays and a CT scan.  In the end, she shook up her brain pretty good and was going to have a big headache.  But she was fine.

Now, this is important for a few reasons...

• She had to wear a compression bandage on her head, thus calling attention to the injury (oh, did she).
• My aunt died of BRAIN CANCER, and now my mother is wearing this bandage on her head TO THE FUNERAL. 

WTF???  Really....you are actually going to upstage the corpse.  You can't just let the deceased rest in peace...you have to be the star of the show.  Later on, my uncle told my mom she should have been wearing better shoes, and that she wasn't paying attention.  And why didn't she take her medication, and THAT is why it all happened.  Yeah....Mom wasn't thrilled with her brother at that moment.

So, in a 24 hr period of time....my parents cancelled their trip to see us and flew to NY.  Mom managed to injure herself and get a ride in an ambulance and lots of bloody bandages.  Dad missed taking HIS medication, and due to his health issues and all the excitement, by the time we saw him on Wednesday, he was in bad shape.  Bro flew to CT, and spent WAY too much money doing so....all in the name of family peace.  I had to rearrange my schedule at work, deal with not knowing what was going on with the 'rents.  Deal with disappointed kids who were so upset that Grammy and Grandpa weren't coming.  Bossy threw a wicked tantrum.

And we aren't even at the funeral yet.   More to come....but to give you a teaser, this was part of it:

Uncle to Mysti:  You aren't too big for me to put over my knee.  

Family DRAMA, part one - long

Something I recently "discovered" is that my mom has a Narcissistic Personality.  I have always known that she can be self-centered, but it was only recently that I had an actual name for what was going on.  And I have also discovered that the wounds that I have from this type of upbringing run deep.  I am really struggling to break free of it all.

So....last Monday evening, while I was at occupational therapy with the kids, my dad called.  I am very good at detecting variances in my parents' voices, and before he said much of anything....I said "you aren't coming, are you?"  DAMN IT.  Sorry for the swear.....and if that offends anyone.  But this was the second time in a ROW that they cancelled a trip with less than 24 hrs notice.

Well, it turns out that my aunt passed away.  (Before everyone says I am sorry....I wasn't close with her, never was.This was my mom's brother's wife.)  She had been ill, so this wasn't a surprise.  The timing was something I hadn't planned of course.  At that time (Monday evening), my parents knew just about nothing.  The funeral arrangements were being done on Tuesday, so it would be at least another day before we knew anything.

I had to call my brother, who as it turns out...wasn't having a great day already.  And I got to make it even better.  His car broke down, so now he would have to fly here for the funeral.  $$$.  Plus, we didn't even know when the funeral was yet.  Oh, and we were "guessing" that the funeral would be Wednesday....which was his birthday. 

Now, I should mention that my aunt and uncle live about 2-2.5 hrs away by car from me.

I mention this, because my parents decided that they were going to stay with my uncle for a week.  Not come here.  Dad mentioned coming here by himself at the end of the week, and I pulled the plug on that (which was a good thing with all the stuff that was about to happen).  He isn't well, too much travel, the weather was going to be brutal (it was 99 degrees for 2 days, and we don't have great air conditioning). 

Oh, and by staying with my uncle....they were kicking him out of his bed.  The man just lost his wife, and my parents were perfectly fine letting him sleep on the sofa.  *shake head*

Tuesday morning, I tried to get in touch with my parents.  Voicemail all around.  I suspected that they were on a plane (Heaven forbid they actually let me know what they are doing).  The question at that point....where were they going?  We had talked about them flying to CT as planned, and then going to NY, just in case they couldn't get a flight to NY.  When last we spoke, they said they weren't coming to CT.  But I wouldn't put it past them to arrive in CT and be mad that I wasn't there to pick them up.

Enter my BFF who is a travel agent.  So she did her blippity blip typity type....and tracked them down!  HA!  Oh, she and I are dangerous together.  She confirmed that they were on the 10am flight to NY.  I texted my dad and asked why is it so hard to just send me a note and let me know what is going on.....*sigh*

I get a call from Dad around Noon....telling me that the funeral was indeed on Wednesday, at 10am (which meant I had to leave my house at 6am....).  Now, he called me from the shuttle bus, and was having a hard time hearing me.  I mentioned that Bro and I sent an Edible Arrangement to the house (in Jewish funerals, there are no flowers....people send food.).  And he said something that didn't make sense.  So I repeated myself, and again, he didn't answer in a way that made sense.

So I said "Dad, if you can't hear me, and all you are going to say is OK, then let's talk later."  He said, and I quote...."BEHAVE."

EXCUSE ME???  You are reprimanding me????  Oh no....now it is on.

When life hands you lemons.....

turn them into lemon-scented furniture polish and CLEAN!

Cleaning is my cathartic release.  So this afternoon when I get home....I am going to put on my MP3 player, and scrub and scrub and scrub.  Clean home....clean mind.

As CJ so astutely noted...the dates that I have in August that are hard for me impact how much I can handle.

Today is August 10.  Today was the day that my water broke with Bossy (Sassy was still ok), although I didn't know it at the time.  It wasn't until August 12 that I found out that is what happened.  So today is an important day in the history of Bossy and Sassy.  The clock started for them today on if they would make it.  On August 12, when I was admitted to the hospital....they were given zero percent chance of survival if they were born then. 

So today weighs heavily on my mind.  If I had known that my water broke...would things have gone easier for them.  And for us.  Guilt is a hard thing to get over.

Next week is the anniversary of the death of my twin daughters (yes...I had 2 sets of twins).

The week after that leads up to Bossy and Sassy's birthday, which is bittersweet for me. 

August is overwhelming for me....So I am going to clean and clean and clean....and maybe when I am done I will have cleared my head.

Beating away the financial blahs

I already know where and why these feelings are creeping in.  But there are here....so now I have to deal with them.  It is a combination of my meds being a little off, plus having a night out and spending money, and.....I am leaving for a few days to visit a friend.

I never claimed to be Gazelle intense.  And while I love to read about others who are....it does frustrate me that we can't/won't do that.  I just hate to adjust our current totals and have to adjust them UP.

I am frustrated that no matter what I do, the "master" plan doesn't work.  There is ALWAYS a repair that ends up being way higher than what we have set aside.  The cars...I question if we should have gotten rid of them awhile ago.  The order of doing things seems to be in a constant state of change.

This year has been rough.  But honestly...every year is rough.  2007 was the death of our twins, along with a huge oil leak.  2008 was my miscarriage and having to replace the roof.  2009 was the death of my father-in-law, car issues, and a myriad of other things.  2010...who knows.  And now....2011....marriage issues, the pool, car issues.....now having to fix Bossy's room.....

Apparently....I just suck at this getting out of debt thing.  G-man made a comment the other night that really upset me....."debt is just a way of life."  That spoke VOLUMES to me.  While he wants to be out of debt, and is participating more in the discussions....he isn't getting it yet that this noose around our neck is just weighing down our LIFE.

Now that our medical waiver is gone...my student loan is going up....we are unable to lower our interest rates without either opening another credit card, or maybe a new Lending Club loan....it is time to revisit the budget AGAIN...and figure this out. 

I know I am not getting a raise at work (state budget cuts).  I know that G-man is willing to work more overtime, when it is available....but if it isn't available....there isn't much we can do.  I know that we are saving for Christmas, car stuff, irregular expenses.....and we are doing the best we can.

I am just frustrated that others are pulling way ahead, and we are treading water.

So my two small things for the day to make me financially feel better are 1) continue to pack up yard sale leftovers to sell at consignment (we did a trial run on Friday, and we will probably get about what we were asking at the yard sale), and 2)  I bought some bulk coupons for shampoo, which with sales...will come out to about $1 a bottle. 

Pity party over.

Bummin' hard today

Frustrated doesn't even begin to cover my feelings right now.

The paycheck/OT/direct deposit mess created it's own problems.  I am slowing figuring all of that out.  But it is taking alot of concentration.  G-man and I talked about it last night, and all he said was "sorry."  He still doesn't get the anxiety this all causes for me.

I had REALLY thought we would be below 60k debt by my blogiversary.  But that wasn't accounting for the almost $700 it was going to take to fix the pool.  All of the OT that G-man had and will have in the coming weeks was all supposed to go to DEBT, not the pool!

Gas prices are finally coming down (a little).  But the damage is done.  We have been paying about $600 a month for gas.  That is almost $200 more than the original budget.  A few months of that....and it adds up.

It seems that our therapists have changed their billing cycle, and are only billing to insurance monthly.  So it takes almost 2 months from the time we write the check before we get reimbursed.  Again, it causes some problems when you are paying almost $400 a month in co-pays.

I should be glad that we aren't using our credit cards for everyday purchases.  The rise in the card balances in the recent weeks is from the pool, and 1) the OT screw up, thus not having the money to pay it off right away, and 2)  having to wait for payday when the OT was worked almost a month ago (G-man's payroll is offset by 2 weeks).  The dental bills...it happens.  Those don't stress me out other than I just hate that our dental coverage stinks.

I am failing to understand how we redid the mortgage, which freed up $200 a month, paid off the car, paid off one student loan.....and we are where we are.  I am bummed.  I am not sure why this is SO hard.  I expected it to be hard, but this is insane.  I feel like I am constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul.  I really don't like missing a goal....but I am finding it hard to see how we are going to pay $5000 in the next 6-7 weeks.

*sniff*

How quickly it spirals out of control

August has been a great big fat failure.  I haven't even looked at all the numbers, and I don't want to. 

Things are running amuck, amuck, amuck!  (Quick, name that movie!!!)


Credit Cards - you give an inch, they take a mile.  And this is what happened.  A few small purchases lead to a few larger purchases.  Old habits die hard.  $350 was spent on school supplies and clothes and shoes.  ($150 of it will be paid off at the end of the week).  G-man got some gas.  And then there were my beautiful boxes.....which somehow the cash I had saved for this got gobbled up in the great abyss of my checkbook.  A little here, a little there....and now the damage is done.

The lessons here....

1)  We aren't ready to be responsible.
2)  We didn't plan appropriately for expenses.

The "excuses" aren't great....but some of them are real.  Between July and August, we had several gifts to buy (2 baby showers, kids' birthdays), personal property taxes, and a few other smaller bills.  The cats went in for check ups to the tune of $246. All of these are expenses that cut into the bottom line and we are still learning to plan for.  Plus, the interest....oh, the interest....hate it.  Our party in late July....that was all us.  No justification there.

Student Loans - I have somewhat stuck my head in the sand on that one.  We are snowballing Loan 2 right now, but Loan 1....I have been "ignoring" the accruing interest on the loan while we have been on a lower payment.  It is up by $111.  So the actual balance has now been reflected to show this. 

Floating Money - My parents are lazy.  They tend to let us figure out birthday presents, Christmas presents, etc.  And then they LET us buy it all, and wrap it, and all of that jazz.  Eventually they pay us back, but we have to figure out how to pay for it to start with.  So, add in another $100 for what we paid for as a loan to my parents.   I hear from my mom....I will send a check....and then I have to ask for it.  C'mon...they don't have 90 seconds to send me a check???  It isn't about the money....they just don't care that their actions impact others.

So, bottom line....in the past month, we managed to undo 25% of our efforts.  I am embarrassed and ashamed of us.  I am angry with myself. 

And why do I share all of this......because someone has to be the blog that doesn't have it all together!  No offense to those that have wonderful stories to share that they got on board with debt repayment and did fabulous.  That ain't us.  We are really struggling to make this work....and I hope that this shows others that not everyone has it all together.

Cribs

Today is particularly hard. I posted both of our cribs on Craigslist, and a guy responded that he was having twin boys and wanted both. G-man brought them down from the attic, and they are sitting here, staring at me.

Per our phonecall on Tuesday, he would call me this weekend (probably Saturday), to arrange a time to come by. Didn't call.....tried calling him on the number I had....it's his work number, so I got voicemail.

Today was our due date for our twin girls who died. And it is also the day that our singleton baby girl was conceived. And our anniversary. So I am staring at cribs that we don't need because our babies died. Had things turned out differently....I would have children using these cribs. The twins would have been 2 today. Our rainbow baby would be 15 months.

These cribs should just be cribs. But I am making them into more than that. I am making them into a symbol of failure. Failure because our babies died, therefore we don't need them. Failure, because I am selling them for money to dig out of debt. We are selling them to pay off stupidity. Apparently my failure and stupidity is worth $125.

Part of me wants the guy to call and come get them. It will be hard to watch them walk out the door...but it needs to happen for emotional healing and to move forward in our debt reduction. Part of me want to stick my head back in the sand and bring them back to the attic and not look at them again.

Whatever will be, will be.

What triggers you to spend?

Some people find themselves in debt because they LIKE to spend. New cars, the latest electronics, upgrading furniture, vacations. Doesn't matter what is going on, happy or sad, they just like to spend. While that is not us, at least these people have something to show for their debt.

Some people spend to celebrate. YEAH! I got a new job....let's buy that new tv we have been coveting. YEAH! We have a new baby on the way....let's buy everything we need today.

Some people spend in anger. GRRRR.....I had a bad day at work, so I am going to treat myself to that new CD I wanted....I deserve it. GRRRR.....I had a fight with my spouse, so I am going to make myself feel better by going shopping.

The majority of our credit card debt was "life." Diapers, food, gas. Not to say there wasn't take-out, some clothes, etc too. But if you were to look at the statements over the past 7 years, I would guess at least 75% fall into the "life" category. Outside of our "life" debt....lies the debt from why we spend. Sorrow.

On January 24, G-man and I will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. AWWWW. We have had an interesting 12 years to say the least. But for us, our anniversary is a sorrow trigger that we have to fight under the guise of "it's our anniversary."

See...our twin girls died in August 2007. Complication in my pregnancy. No hope. They are gone. They were due on January 24, 2008....our 10th wedding anniversary. They should be almost 2 years old now, but instead, we have their cremated remains in a box in G-man's dresser...in an area we don't open unless we have to.

And on that fateful 10th anniversary....we "celebrated" as a married couple does.....*blush* And upon our surprise....we got pregnant. (Both of our previous pregnancies were the result of very expensive fertility treatments). So yeah, this was a surprise to say the least. But we were so hopeful....a rainbow baby (that is what a baby is called that comes after the death of a child). Conceived in the love our marriage, and the grief of the sisters that came before. The perfect storm.

Until 2 months and 1 day later that there was no heartbeat, and 3 days later we had a D&C.

Each of our losses triggered something that we bought. With the twin girls, it was a new TV. With our surprise baby (whom refer to as a girl), it was a spending spree a month later when we had a weekend to ourselves while attending a wedding.

So as this Perfect Storm date approaches, we fight the urge to spend. A local chain electronics store is closing.....hmmmmm. The pending move.....gee, shouldn't we upgrade this and that on the house. My car....the check engine light just came on.....does this mean it is going kaput, and we might be car shopping soon.

Don't know. For now, we agreed that we will go out for dinner, with the kids. The rest is up in the air. Trying hard to keep it there.

Murphy, go away!!!!

Well, no need to figure out where the extra money from overtime and extra pay check will go. G-man took care of that this morning…

When he got into a car accident. With the kids and one cat in the car. Everyone is ok. But…

Now we will have an insurance claim which means a deductible. From what he said, it is too much damage to the other car for us to pay for it privately. I am sure there will be a rate increase in our insurance too. I had a minor accident last year (or was it 2 yrs ago?)

I could vent off about non-debt related items, but that is another blog all together. I was already thinking that I might be able to pay off a few things under medical and just make them go away. Or maybe pay off one student loan.

I am annoyed now.

I need some time to lay it all out. Too many changes! Need to fire the FA. Need to get a grip.

Almost nothing to show for 2 months

If I can direct your attention to the right side of the screen..... It appears that we made some progress....but in actuality, we are less than $100 from our beginning total of debt 2 months ago. WHOOPEE.

This, my friends, is the part THEY love. The finance charges!!! We have spent a couple thousand dollars on our debt in the past 2 months and have almost nothing to show for it. We pay...they tack on a few hundred dollars in finance charges, and now you are worse off than you were.

G-man and I have to talk, but I am ready to fire the FA. Our first meeting with him was late June, and in 3.5 months, we have NOTHING to show for it. NOTHING.

I am spending my afternoon balancing the checkbook, paying bills (this week is pay week for both of us), and racking my brain on a way to make this all work.

I know some of you have made suggestions.....sell the car, sell the house. But I am not sure about those. You are probably saying to yourself...Mysti, girl....wake up and smell the coffee! Desperate times call for desperate measures!!!

I am not there yet guys. I am afraid to sell the house and then owe thousands of dollars in taxes, and our rent wouldn't be much different. I am afraid to sell G-man's car, which wouldn't even pay off the loan and then we could end up with a less than reliable car.

Go back to work full-time? Not sure how Bossy Boy would do with all that.

Sell my blood? I am ok with that....how much can you get on the street for that????

Today's Horoscope

Yeah...I am one of those people. I don't live and breathe by my horoscope, but I do strongly feel that they have some merit. Today's horoscope:

September 12, 2009

The easygoing Gemini Moon enables us to tune a conversation in or out, and engage or avoid an issue. The Moon's shift into tenacious Cancer at 4:19 pm EDT makes it harder to just let go of a feeling of attachment because we are subject to our moods now, which do not always respond to reason. Meanwhile, a slow-moving quincunx between contractive Saturn and dispersive Neptune reveals how tough it is to be realistic while also holding on to our dreams.

I can feel the shift.....I am already having a hard time letting go of feelings. Feelings like this debt is my fault. Feelings that I have royally screwed our family. That this is hopeless. That we are 3 steps away from living in a cardboard box (ok, I know that is a bit mellow dramatic.) But I have spent since last night running numbers in my head, and I think my brain is starting to leak out of my ear from over use.

Why is this my fault you ask?

1) I have been the CFO of our family since G-man and I got married. There were decisions that we discussed, but really the decision was based on my research and thoughts...and they weren't always right.

2) Our kids were WAY WAY WAY premature. I carried them, thus it was my body that failed and resulted in their birth. This started a long line of medical debt. (I know that our medical debt right now doesn't look THAT bad, but we spend about $5,000 out of pocket yearly on medical, in addition to the thousands that we have already paid off over time).

3) As a spin off to #2, I became a stay at home mom because of our kids' issues. I was home for 5 yrs with them, and we just sank further into debt. I tried to get help, but our income on paper didn't qualify us for anything.

I know I need to let this stuff go to move forward, but today it is just hard.