I am at work (Shhhhhhh), but I needed to get my thoughts down so I can actually get something done. I am having a mild anxiety attack over all of this, and need to calm myself. Our financial situation is taking its toll on everything in our life. I truly didn’t realize it until this morning, as I was attempting to get ready for work.
I wear contact lenses – the 2 week disposable kind. Went to the eye doctor in early September for my annual check up. I was on my last pair of contacts and needed to order more. Well, that wasn’t in the budget. I figured I would wait until December when we each get paid 3x to order new ones, so I have been wearing my glasses since then. I noticed now that I am not “getting ready” for work the way I used to. I used to get up earlier than the kids to take my shower….now I rush in to the bathroom in the 15 minutes between when Bossy Boy leaves for school, and Sassy Girl needs to leave. I walk her to the bus stop, wet hair…no make-up…glasses. My clothes have gone from reasonably cute for work to whatever I grab first.
I have been on Weight Watchers since the first of this year. I lost 23 lbs in 4 months, and in the 6 months since, I have lost maybe another 5 lbs. I know I have gained a few pounds in the past month. Not watching what I eat as carefully….and my old standby clothes are too big, but that is what I tend to grab because it is familiar. I am paying $43 a month for this, and have been tempted to quit….but what is my personal self-esteem worth??? Is taking care of myself worth $43 a month? Aren’t I worth $43 a month? But can I do it on my own……
Not caring about my personal appearance is not good.
My house…is a mess. I used to be pretty organized. Now there are piles. EVERYWHERE. I am not losing stuff, but I can’t catch up. I went to grab my coat this morning and looked at the pile of stuff on the bottom of the closet. *sigh*
Grabbed my keys…and looked at the pile of stuff on the counter. Never mind the baskets of laundry that need to get put away….and the baskets that need to be done. And the piles of clothes strewn everywhere else. My sink is full of dishes. (No dishwasher) I haven’t been making the bed. I haven’t been doing anything.
My patience with the kids is lower than usual. Bossy Boy is Autistic, and is in a very trying stage. He is taking all my energy that I have left. I am fighting with the school over stuff. He is struggling; I am struggling to help him.
I am convinced that our financial situation is the root cause of all of this chaos. When I was happily in denial about how bad it all was….things were better around me. Now that I am trying to fix this major problem, it is zapping me of all my energy. We aren’t gaining traction with anything. We are more or less in a stand still.
This has to change. I am considering bankruptcy. I can’t believe I am actually thinking about this……but I don’t know how to make this work. Or at least we need to talk to a debt consolidation attorney. Something.
We are beyond hard work and determination getting us through. The money isn’t there. It just isn’t. One could argue about the car…..that isn’t it. We sell the car….buy a beater….and still will have a car payment. And due to G-man’s commute….the beater won’t last long.
Cable….unless you have an Autistic child, you won’t understand. We can’t get rid of it. It will upset his world too much.
I just want to cry.