Tuesday, January 22, 2013

How to stir family drama into a froth

I have no idea why I am continually amazed at the drama I call my family.  And this, ladies and gentlemen, not only involves my immediate family...but also further branches off the ole family tree.

Sunday night, I got a "paperless" invite to the wedding of my dad's cousin's daughter (for you genealogy geeks, that makes the bride my 2nd cousin).  The wedding....is in 3 weeks.  See, the bride (who is in her mid 20's) had a baby with the groom 4 years ago.  They have been engaged for over 3 years.  People stopped asking when they were getting married a long time ago.  But apparently they are getting married in 3 weeks.  I am guessing that she is pregnant again, and her parents (did I mention that her father is a Rabbi???)  said YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED. 

The kids aren't invited to the wedding, and it is on a Sunday morning (when G-man works, and gets a 25% bonus for working).  I already figured out that it is cheaper to get a sitter for a few hours than have G-man stay home.  I would just go to the service and skip the reception. 

Except...I don't want to go.  I have no relationship with the bride (I think I have seen her 3 times in 10 years).  I think we got an invite because it is the obligatory "family" thing.  So, I am leaning towards declining all together, sending a gift, and calling it a day.

EXCEPT....I have no idea if my parents are going!  If my parents fly up for this (which opens all sorts of other Pandora's Boxes), and I am not going...that looks really bad.  And the 'rents will take it out on me....

Normally I wouldn't think they would come to this....except that the bride's younger sister has her Bat Mitzvah in April.  And I know my parents were planning on going to that.  So they may say "if we go to one, we have to go to the other."

Which, by default....puts me in the same category.  I can't skip the wedding...and go to the Bat Mitzvah.  I really want to skip both.  But not sure if I can get away with that.

I have nothing to wear to a wedding (all my "wedding" clothes are not season appropriate or Sunday morning appropriate).  So I would have to buy something to wear.  Plus the gift.  Plus the sitter.  I could be into this for $200 by the time I am done....for a wedding I don't want to go to.

Anyone think I can just send a gift and call it a day?  Even if my parents come? 

OH, which also brings up that my dad's birthday is the day after the wedding, and my dad doesn't make haste in making sure we all celebrate him.  AND Bossy has some testing being conducted the Friday before, so even if my parents come up that day....I am otherwise detained.  Which I am sure I will hear about as well.

I quit.


31 comments:

  1. Oh, Mysti, I feel your pain. Having just come out of the other side of this, I'll give you my two cents, for what they're worth. DD was married in October. We extended a few invitations to relatives with whom we have no relationship and with whom we had no desire to celebrate. But immediate family "insisted" that it had to be done. I finally gave in, but all I could think was that I was going to have to spend the money to feed them when there were others cut from the guest list who I would rather have had there. Some of these people came and some didn't. We were actually grateful to those who declined. My point is that the bride may not even care whether or not you come and isn't that the person who counts anyway? As for the gift, I found that the majority of people who declined our invitation did not send a gift, contrary to what used to be done in my day. Those that did are close to the bride and groom anyway and couldn't come because of circumstances.

    SO, go if you want to, but don't go because you feel obligated, especially given the short notice and inopportune timing. And no, you don't have to send a gift unless you want to. It's time we all stood up for ourselves and stopped doing things "just because"! I do understand the whole family thing, but really, is your relationship with your parents going to be damaged any more than it already is - or improved if you do go? Your priority is YOUR family, not pleasing the rest of the world.

    OK, off my soap box now :)

    Sarah

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    1. Thanks for the vision from the other side. Like I said, I really feel like we were only invited because of obligation.

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  2. If it were me, I'd take the $200 you'd spend and put it to better use. Don't go. Don't send a gift.

    I agree with Sarah. What's the point in pleasing people who make no effort to please you? By doing so, you're just empowering them.

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  3. I agree with Sarah too, 100%. You do not NEED to go. If the situation was reversed, would they come to a function of yours?

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  4. I'm pretty sure it would be your third cousin. Your dad's first cousin would be your 2nd cousin. But regardless of that, I agree with the others, don't go and don't send a gift. if someone gets mad then let them. They sent you a "paperless" invite which means it cost them nothing. Not to mention its last minute and you are not close to this person at all.

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    1. Nope....my dad's cousin 1st cousin is my 1st cousin, once removed (because I am one generation down). His children and I are the same generation (on a family tree, not by age)....so we are 2nd cousins.

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  5. You are making this way more difficult than it has to be. I say don't go AND don't send a gift. Don't worry about what your parents thing - you're a grownup, you know.

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    1. oops, let me amend that. "Think," not "thing." (typo.) Also, I meant to say: If you wanted to go, you should be able to wear something you already have (I'm sure you have something more formal than jeans) and you shouldn't have to bring a gift. If it's family and your presence is really wanted, your presents (pun intended) shouldn't be the main thing, just your presence.

      But if you don't want to go and don't really interact with these people otherwise... well, I wouldn't go! Anyone who doesn't approve can just get over it in short order or they can go write a book of their angry memoirs, right? :o)

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  6. Don't send a gift and don't go... be the black sheep LOL

    HS

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  7. I would skip it without one ounce of guilt. When people have lived together for long periods of time and have kids together, there is no way they need some 2nd cousin to show up or send a gift. Seriously...unless you think that your not going will start WW3, don't bother.

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  8. I agree that you should not go just because you feel obligated. I think it is time that you put your family first and stick with it. Bossy has something going on Friday. G-man is working Sunday to help the family. You shouldn't have to spend over $200 to go to an event that you think is forced, that you don't want to go to and that you don't care about. So what if your parents get upset. If you feel the need send a congrats card and call it a day.

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  9. I'm also with the skipping it side. It's only a 2nd cousin and you're not close. Send a gift card if you have too, otherwise just send a card with best wishes in it.

    Gill

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  10. Don't go and don't worry. Make an excuse that is really excusable and don't go. Send dad a card tell him you love him leave it at that.

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  11. I wouldn't even think of going. If anything, I would send a card with a small gift card to someplace like Target, but that's not even necessary if you don't want, especially given the absence of a paper invitation.

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  12. I wouldn't go, which seems like it echos what everyone else is saying. You have other things planned and 3 weeks is not a lot of notice. If you want to send a gift, I say go for it, but you really don't have to do that either. That you are even struggling with this decision says a lot about your sense of family and social politeness. You are a great person, but I think you should be too busy this upcoming Sunday morning to attend.

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  13. I will make this easy for you. Would they do the same if the positions was reversed? NO! And I agree with HS - be that black sheep. In your parents eyes, you already are the grey sheep. Go all they way to black!

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  14. Guess everyone's beat me to it... I wouldn't go. I go to enough weddings as is (part of the job at my part time work--ha!). But on a serious note, I wouldn't go for a lot of other reasons... it was an invitation, not an order. About the gift, it's up to you. Something small, maybe a small giftcard if anything. If you dont know them, why buy them a gift? I say, forget what the parents will say. They will ALWAYS say something or find something to bicker about, so it makes little difference after a while. (We know I would know, eh?) As for your father... a card is a good idea.

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    1. I was planning on sending Dad a card and that was it. But if he shows up at my door.....I will get sucked in.

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    2. If he shows up, can you arrange it so that you're not home? Take a day to go to the movies or something with your family, or simple be "not there". Say you had other plans and leave it at that. Being harsh is hard, trust me... but you'll feel so much better than you're not at the beck and call of other people and working out of their schedules and not yours.

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  15. I agree with all the other people who have commented - don't go. We were invited to the christening of our niece's daughter last Summer - she was 6 months old. We hadn't ever seen her; she will be 1 next week and we still haven't seen her despite living in the same town. My husband is not close to his family; no family arguments, he just doesn't have anything in common with them other than they have the same parents. We were asked to go purely to provide transport for my MIL - the rest of the family wanted to get drunk - they know I don't drink and assumed I would act as a taxi service. They were wrong as we declined the invitation. We don't have spare money for socialising - even if it was just to buy non-alcoholic drinks, and we didn't have spare money for a lavish gift - anything less than lavish would have been sneered at, as would anything homemade despite the fact that I can knit and sew to a good standard. Apart from that we just didn't want to go and refused to feel pressurised into it.

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  16. I am utterly clueless as to why you'd even consider going and/or sending a gift to people you don't know, don't like. And worrying about what your parents will think or react? You're an adult, able to make your own decisions. If you end up going than you have to accept that was YOUR choice to make. I just don't get any of this I guess... I live my life and make my own decisions based on what I think is best for my family. NOT based on what people may think, or how they may react.

    As for your dad's birthday, I thought when you flew up there with hubby and kids, "that was it", you were cutting all "ties", so why all the worry and concern about what they will think, react, etc... ? I don't get it.

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    1. Oh, I like her just fine. Just don't have a relationship with her, or really anyone.

      In my family, there is a VERY strong sense of obligation to others. Ridiculously strong. So there is a certain level of expectation. Almost 38 years old....hard habit to break.

      I did cut ties with my parents...but that doesn't mean they cut ties with me. They call....I don't answer. If they fly here, I would risk them showing up at my door unannounced. Need to prepare for that.

      I don't care what they think...I care how they will take it out on me...and my family. People have been written out of the will in my family for not walking the straight and narrow. (I don't care about me...I care about what will happen to my kids). People have sued each other.

      I don't want to risk the wrath. I guess unless you live at this level of dysfunction, it is hard to understand.

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    2. Mysti, you need to have the confidence to understand that you KNOW what is best for you & your family. You are a great mom and putting your family before other "engagements & expectations" is not wrong or selfish. Stand up for yourself girl and let your family know what IS & IS NOT acceptable. Showing up on your doorstep unannounced is one of them. ;) Stay strong, go with your gut!!

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    3. I'm just going to echo everything that Carla says, because I agree completely. If you decided to be done with your parents, you're done.

      I make decisions on what is best for my family (my husband, myself, & my kids), not based on expectations. I'm very close to my family, but have learned to balance expectations and what's best for us. It was a learning exercise, but if you are operating from the principle that you're doing what's best for you guys, any side effect that come from that should have minimal impact on you.

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  17. Your dad's cousin's daughter and you share the same great grandparents.....so yes, you are second cousins.

    Please take what I am going to say below in the spirit in which it is given. I don't know you but from what you've said on your blog over the past 2 years. This isn't said to bash you. It's said from a place of how someone outside looking in might see what you can't see from being deep in the weeds of it all.


    What you need to do at the ripe old age of 38 is to grow a backbone.

    Live your life for you, not taking into consideration what people(your family) that you want nothing to do with will think of you.

    Why do you continue to involve yourself with the people you are genetically related to if you feel it is a hopeless cause?
    You must enjoy all this drama and attention in this dysfunctional role in your family that you play.
    Why else would you continue playing it and caring what any of them thought of you?

    Over the years I've seen you continue to go back for more. Either you like this twisted attention (better than no attention, right?)or you truly have no clue you need to break with them permanently if you want to be emotionally healthy and happy.

    I see that you either aren't ready to take that final step away from the family or you are so scared of what life will be without this mess.
    Until you are ready to leave your family behind, you will continue to involve yourself and your readers in this quagmire of emotions.....to a pointless end. Because until you are ready to leave, nothing will change in your life.

    Get some therapy if that is what it takes.
    It will be a lot better for you in the long run than continuing to fall back into these unhealthy familial patterns which hold you back.
    Staying in this dysfunctional role not only affects you but it's having an impact on your marriage and your children. Can't you see that? If you can't do it for your own health, do it for your spouse and kids.
    Please.

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  18. You could safely decline and blame the short notice. Your parents are going to be a**holes to you no matter what, sadly. XOXO

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  19. I guess I have a real hard time understanding a family dynamic such as yours. You and your husband are both adults and if you don't want to attend this wedding (or the Bat Mitvah), then don't. If your parents pitch a fit, so what? You have many valid reasons for not going. Give them one reason and tell them to drop it. I have to agree with Sluggy - get some backbone. I have a feeling once you stop letting your parents treat you like a child, they will have no choice but to stop treating you that way. You get treated how you let people treat you. Hope it all works out.

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  20. Sluggy is 100% correct. I'd only add that ALL invitations are just opportunities. They are NOT a summons from a court requiring that you show up. Live your life and move on. None of this drama can be good for you, your spouse or your children.

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  21. Sluggy is 100% correct. I'd only add that ALL invitations are just opportunities. They are NOT a summons from a court requiring that you show up. Live your life and move on. None of this drama can be good for you, your spouse or your children.

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  22. Weighing in my 2 cents late but weighing in non the less....First of all Major hugs to you. I can feel all the emotions you are just swamped with So I'm putting on my "Mom hat" Family is family good and bad...we have to deal with the crap ast and future. This was a last minute invite, you have propr commitments . PERIOD. You owe no explination, other that. I would send a card with a $20 gift card and politely say prior commitments keep you from attending and send good wishes. The end. If they ask why you cant attend you might ask why there is such short notice and a rushed weddings LOL! (No don't do that)
    Family.....can hurt us more than any one. Wanting desperatly for relationships to be different. If not for us for our children. We've similar situations. It's taken me years to learn to deal with. I've learned to show very little emotion around them and to share nothing personal. Questions asked for gossip fodder like..."How will this effect the custody war/or how is ______ doing after the divorce" I generally resopnd with something like " What did they say the last you spoke to them?" or shes fine....how is YOUR daughters drug problem? Yes, I've become known as the bitch of the family but, our business is our business and since we've refused to buy into the questions and comments....we at least are at peace. Keeping your composure and not letting them dig the stick in or reacting to rudeness has helped loads. Mom starts giving you grief about not going just stay calm and say we have prior commitments...WHAT COMMITMENTS?? we have prior commitments and will not be attending Have a good visit Mom...what time is your flight arriving? Where will you be staying> Just refuse to engage calmly. Keep changing the subject and don't buy into the convo. When those type coments won't stop, I'll now just say look I've got to go you have a great day and HANG UP! Took me years of going to tears when I got off the phone or in the car, but they are learing we won't buy into the drama and no longer say how high when they say jump.....MAJOR HUGS TO YOU!!! It's painful when you just want to be loved and accepted as you are and it's never enough

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  23. My family is crazy about obligations to each other too. Big hispanic family. That being said, I skip a lot of things. Some times people get all bitchy and some times they don't. The point is, I got sick and tired of sacrificing my happiness and my sanity and my money for someone else's weird interpretation of loyalty and love. It's your turn babe. You're making a ton of assumptions to consequences and even if they're grounded in past experience, they are still assumptions. No one knows for sure what will happen ever. Even if someone flat out tells you, that's it I'm taking your family out of our will, it's not a guarantee they will do that or that they won't change your mind. And seriously you're working your ass off to take care of your family. If people are going to be SO freaking ridiculous about who gets what in their will, do you really even WANT that money? Go big, go black sheep all the freaking way. WOO HOO

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