This week has not been good for me, emotionally. The horrible shooting has certainly contributed to it, but it isn't the core reason. Once again, we are back to my "parents."
Last week they, once again, did something vindictive and hurtful towards me. While I am working on not letting these things bother me, I am not there yet. I didn't argue with them....heck, I wasn't even going to talk to them, but the kids called them and then handed me the phone.
Since then, I have been in a funk.
I haven't been able to do my day-to-day, normal things....so that stuff has piled up. Add in holiday "stuff" that still needs to be completed, and it has added tremendously to my stress level. As I was trying to work on things last night, I was a mess.
I knocked into things....broke some thingy on the printer. Screwed up one of my projects, and luckily stopped myself before I screwed up any more in that particular project. I kept wandering around my house, lost.
This morning, I figured out that I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of my parents, even though they haven't died. I find myself wondering weird things about what will happen when they actually die. They are being buried in the same cemetery as their parents....which is out of state from them. I am sitting here thinking....we are going to need a hotel, maybe I should start saving for that. Or, who the hell is even going to come?
Realizing that your parents don't have the capability to love you is sobering. There are 26 families who would do anything to have their children, spouses, siblings back. The out pour of LOVE is amazing. And realizing that your family doesn't feel that way.....hurts.
I am so angry they have this much power over me.