Friday, April 1, 2011

Someone send me some positive energy tonight....**UPDATE**

G-man and I are sitting and working on budget matters.

Things are still tense, and he currently isn't living here.  He seems to think we can squeeze blood from a turnip. I know I shouldn't post this....but here goes (to some degree).

He is trying to find "extra" money to pay rent in our marital budget.  He asked me where we can pull money from.  I told him....uh, nowhere.  I am angry that he thinks that his actions should result in a ME figuring out how to pay for it.  So I said...fine....let's start from scratch.

He is completely clueless.  And one of MY steps towards change is having to give up some control.  So instead of just working on the budget myself, WE will do it.  The only place I can really see where there is to "pull" from is our Christmas Fund.  And I told him that I do not want the kids to pay for his mistakes.

He has agreed to work some extra shifts.....amazing how he is NOW willing to do it.  When I have suggested it in the past as a way of generating extra income to GET OUT OF DEBT....he wasn't willing.  Why should he have to do any more than he was....

So tonight.....when you feel that cold rush around you....and you just are feeling that something is off balance in the world....that is probably the JuJu seeping out from my house.

Wow....he had no idea what things cost.  Food...he said $250 a month for the family.  HAHAHA.  Gas...he said $ WAS $400 before the prices went we are closer to $450.   He forgot some major expenses.
I think the small exercise did help some.  He sees that this isn't easy.  He sees that every dollar is obligated to something.

End result....he needs to work a minimum of 8 hrs of overtime a month, above and beyond his office and part time pay his "rent."  I showed him how much money that is...and if he had just done this before....when we talked about it in regards to debt....that we would be in a much different place right now.  

He and I are trying to work things out....I am still not sure.  We did talk about him moving home, just from a money point of view.  I would love to have that OT to put toward debt!  But there are more things to discuss.  Will let you all know if I can.


  1. Hi Mysti, I've been following your blog over the last few days (I'm beginning my own digging out of debt journey) and I just wanted to send you some positive energy from Australia. Hang in there! Bec

  2. I don't know what kind of outcome you are hoping for but I will pray that what is best for you and the kids will come about. ♥

  3. @Bec - wooohooo...I am international! Look forward to getting to know you.

    @Kari - I am still figuring out what outcome I want. The right choices in life can be the most difficult.

  4. Wait, he wants to pay you?? where is he living?? he must be spending money to live somewhere?


  5. Stop the presses! Being that HE lives elsewhere, HE needs to figure out how to pay for it. Not you. How is this 'working things out'? He still does not get it at all. Does he?

    Ahhh.... sending mucho warm fuzzy to you.... You need it more than I do.

  6. I know all too well how stressful these talks can be... When I was married, it seemed like we could never get onto the same financial page at the same time.

    That said, extra shifts are an excellent idea. Pulling from your Christmas fund? Not so much. Unless your kids are starving, do not let him pressure you into taking that money from them. So many people don't even bother putting back money for Christmas - they just use a credit card and dig their debt hole even deeper. You're doing something responsible and it's NOT acceptable for G-man to expect you to take that away.

    Hugs to you. I hope you will keep us updated.

  7. @HS - He has been on the couch at 2 different friends' homes. He so far has not paid "rent" to anyone. He has taken some cash for food, and put a little bit on his CC, but that is it.

    @Rhitter - Trust me girl...I have no idea why I am involved in this. HE needs to figure it out. But his "solution" is to take money from our acct....well, none of the bills magically disappeared because he isn't living here!!

    @Andrea - We have tried many many times to have financial talks, and they haven't gone so well. But he needs to see that 1) I am not kidding about the amount of money we have, 2)HE needs to fund the majority of this himself, and 3) Saving ahead for things makes soooo much more sense!!

  8. I agree with you that he needs to fund this, and the extra shifts are a good idea, he really has a hide to expect you to be sorting it all out!

    all the best, you're doing a great job in a difficult situation.

  9. OK that makes sense... I'm wishing you the best, hopefully things work out ;)

  10. I know I'm late....but I'm hoping your budget came out unscathed! He needs to figure it out...and extra shifts sound like a good plan! No reason to upset the lives of you and the kids with additional budget crunching. Just know we're all pulling for you and sending peaceful thoughts your way.

  11. @Evan - how are the kids??? Not great. Bossy is having tantrum after tantrum. He can't express what he is really feeling. He isn't sleeping well, he isn't eating well. Sassy cries alot. She has been spending alot of time in her room.

    School knows about the situation. We are at a point where I am going to have to call them and get more help for the kids. In particular, Sassy.

  12. I am a new reader, and I just wanted to tell you that I have been where you are now. I'm really sorry that you are going through this, but it really does hurt less eventually. You'll get there! In the meantime, be patient with yourself. I hope that everything is resolved in whatever way is best for you.

  13. I know you have asked for positive energy, but I want to suggest a different perspective. This is meant to be constructive, I have gone over and over this, and I hope that there is nothing deemed too critical in it. I understand if you don’t want to post my comment.
    I don’t think you should think of this as “his” mistake but as a “team” mistake. I found your blog via other PF blogs, at about the same time of the affair announcement. I felt your anger, I could understand your anger, however I was shocked when someone commented along the lines of G-man up to his old communication style again. Perhaps, I thought, she has been venting about private “team” issues in a worldwide public space, certainly not a choice I would make, but each to their own. After reading this post (April 1) I decided to check back over the posts that preceded the first one that I had read. I felt so saddened for you and G-man, for have been through so much, and have been under such stress for so many years, there is little wonder that cracks appeared.
    You have been very fortunate to have a blog where you have been able to vent your frustrations about your debt, or the different approaches to money, or the frustrations of marriage. It doesn’t look like he has had that. To be very brief, I take the sanctity of marriage very seriously, but I can see how when you barely get to see each other, and then when you do see each other there is stress about money and fights then the pressure outlet will go off in inappropriate ways. Perhaps a communication style has developed that is less than positive. I can imagine meeting someone who reminds you that you are young, that you are fun, you are smart, you are funny, and how that may end in an affair.
    Blogs are great fun, but I think that people who usually comment are only those that have a positive attitude towards the bloggers opinion, very few people seem to play devil’s advocate to encourage you to reframe the issues. I have noticed this on all blogs not singling yours out. When we speak to our friends about issues in our life there tends to be more opportunities where we challenge our ideas and beliefs or see the other side of an issue. I think if I was one of your friends I may have cautioned you about the communication style you both have fallen into. I also think I would have tried to encourage you not to take so much control away from him, and see each other as equals, each with strengths in different areas, so that you wouldn’t feel the need to write some of the past posts.
    I think an affair is a symptom of a bigger issue in a relationship, an issue that the 2 people in the relationship have contributed to. It is easy to apportion all blame on him alone, but it would be great if you could find a therapist, or a local pastor or equivalent to really help you guys go over this and really go over the tough questions together. This is especially important if he does come back to the house to cut costs. I am not privy to all the issues in your relationship, but I don’t think he is all bad, you have certainly saw goodness in him at one point, and I am sure it is still there.
    In the meantime stay strong, you have survived so much and you will survive this. This too will pass.

  14. @Anon - thank you for your thoughtful comment. Since my blog really is about PF, I haven't talked alot about our marriage (even if it seems that way). We do have communication issues, and have for years. I tried for years to get him to talk to someone with me about it, and he refused. We are now in couples counseling (only 2 weeks in), so we will see.

    However...his choice to have an affair was HIS CHOICE. The only two people who could fix what was wrong in our marriage were he and I. And he chose another person. She couldn't fix the problem...all she did was temporarily mask them.

  15. Hang in there. Like most people said, if he feels it necessary to live somewhere else, he should have to come up with the cash.

    Sending positive vibes your way in hopes that the decision you make with this is one that you will be glad you did.

  16. I just wanted to say that I think of you often and hope you figure out whatever is best for you and your children. I am sending you positivity through the internet.

  17. just sending you some good ((vibes)), hope you have some good support there and that the counseling helps clarify things