Sunday, February 21, 2010

We are in trouble

(warning....long and rambling.  And somewhat husband bashing)

We, as in G-man and I.  The financial stress of our life has really taken a toll on our marriage.  It has become abundantly clear that we are not a team in this.  We are not working together.  We are not WE anymore....we are he and I.

I have been the one to handle the checkbook for just about our entire marriage.  And over the past 12 years, he has gotten comfortable "being taken care of."  He doesn't even open the bills....just puts them in the pile.  At any given time, he has no idea how much (or how little) money we have.  Heck, he barely knows what weeks are pay weeks.

He isn't  like he is spending money on "stuff."  He doesn't go out, he doesn't drink or smoke.  He doesn't buy "toys."  Instead, he is irresponsible.  Car accidents or other driving mishaps that cause vehicle damage.  Already damaged his new cell phone (he had it 2 days).  Wipes his greasy hands on his pants and shirt, thus creating a stain that won't come out.  He goes into the basement and leaves the lights on.....I find it 2 days later when I go down there.  We have talked about this many times, and I get the perfunctory "I know, I will try harder."

His massive screw up with the move....I am still angry.

I have said that fixing this takes a team approach.  And sacrifice is part of this.  And while he thinks he is sacrificing....he isn't.  Time is a sacrifice.  And when he is home....he sits on his favorite social networking site and that is about it.

I asked him what he is doing to help our situation, other than work.  And he said "nothing."  Telling, huh?  While I cut coupons, drive around to get the best deals, work as much as I can, sell stuff off.....he sits and updates his profile.

I worked on Friday (his day off) and came home at 8pm, and found the breakfast and lunch dishes in the sink (the sink was empty when I left the house).  The house was trashed.....nothing was done.  I asked him what he did all day....his answer.....I tacked down the linoleum in the bathroom.  Whoopee.

I have asked him for ideas of how he can contribute more to the team effort.....Answer:  I don't know, I can't think of anything.  I asked him if he read the Dave Ramsey book yet (knowing he hadn't.)  Answer:  Well, I didn't know where it was. could have asked me.  If you really wanted to would have found out.

My newest he needs to take a temporary assignment at work.....far far away.  He will get a stipend for doing it.  And I will get the break from him that I am needing right now.  He is very close to losing his family, and he knows it.

He is being a man-child.  Last night he brought me some sorbet when he came home from work.  I asked him where his was.....Answer:  (in a whiny voice)  I don't deserve any.  GRRRR. 

I am done.  DONEDONE.  I cannot be solely responsible for fixing out mess.


  1. Praying things get better for you.

  2. A break is good. I was going to add something about your husband as in 'if he does so-and-so,' but I know how these things work. The only way we can change people around us is to change our selves. And trying to change someone can't be the motivation. Just live the better life that you want to. The family & friends that adapt to your new behaviors will be there. Some will fall away. And there will be new ones to take their places. Take care of yourself first and I encourage you to stay on track. Good luck!

  3. I hope that you get the break that you need and absence makes both your hearts grow fonder. Money troubles are very straining on a marriage. I will pray for you both.

  4. I think it's a man thing. I canNOT beat it into my hubby's head either. Hang in there...I'll win the lottery soon and we'll share!

  5. I've been in your shoes. The difference is I'm the man. It took me a LONG time to get my wife to come around. We finally decided to get financial help from a financial coach. I looked one up in my area on the ELP section of the Dave Ramsey website. After our first appointment we were able to talk about money together again. The coach helped save us from debt help and also helped save our marriage. My wife's understanding took some time to develop but without help we couldn't be as far along as we are. I usually don't put links in comments but if you are looking for help read this my first post about using a Financial coach. Your man needs a kick in the can that only an outside can give. Best of luck and I hope you get through this.

  6. Oh Mysti, I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed! It would be very frustrating to not have your spouse on board, but I imagine that there are many people who are going through it, so you aren't alone.

    I wonder if the goal is just to overwhelming to your husband? Would he be motivated by a smaller goal?

    Some people just have trouble believing that little things can make a huge difference. All the little savings can add up to big savings.

  7. I agree with Jeff - someone else is going to have to light a fire under his butt and get him to man up. I w/also recommend looking up one of Dave Ramsey's ELP's. Just be up front and ask what their initial fee is - they may not have one.

  8. Fiddlesticks. I hope this break is just what you need, and that your hubby decides to get his butt in gear. HUGS!

  9. I am so sorry that you are at the breaking point. I hope that things get better for you. I also pray that your husband comes around. Some people like to stay in denial but, eventually they have to come back to reality. Continue to walk in your path toward Debt Freedom and hopefully he will join you on the journey.