Lots of views on yesterdays post....only 3 posts! HMMMMM.
I know alot of people probably think I am a mega b*tch because of my story. And trust me, before I talked to G-man about it all, I thought I was being a mega b*tch too. It was a very sweet gesture, and I know his heart was in the right place, however.....after you have been married for 15 years.....you learn a few things.
After talking it over with my therapist, I had to tell him my feelings. I spent so long being upset about things in our marriage and not really talking about it. Then it would build and build, and bubble over. He did the same....but his bubbling over was making very poor choices.
So I told him that I appreciated the thought, but the money would be better spent elsewhere. Additionally, I had to tell him that it hurt my feelings that he was trying to start our new life together with a fake ring.
He looked at it that he thought it was pretty and wanted me to have it. Not that it was a knock off and even though he knew it wasn't what I wanted....he just wanted me to have SOMETHING (which was all self imposed by him). He didn't think that I would be upset that symbolically he was starting our new life on a "lie" (fakeness).
Additionally, he didn't think he would really have to give anything up. Since I do the finances, it would be my responsibility to figure out how to pay for this ring (again, he said to use the money we put aside for the trip. Yeah, until he rescheduled the trip, and we had to come up with money for that.....which for the record is topping out as $600 total for his trip).
He spent money on a spur of the moment decision without thinking it through. And traditionally....these decisions don't work out well for him.
So yeah, I told him that I didn't like it, and that because it doesn't fit, I can't wear it anyway. And that my feelings were hurt.
And yeah, he was hurt for a minute. But he told me he would rather me be honest with him.
So if all of that makes me a terrible person, then so be it. It isn't the first time, nor the last, that someone will think it.
I agree with you completely and I think it was great that you were so honest with him about it! It's better for you both to be honest and talk these things out:)
ReplyDeleteThank you. It is much better now that we are more honest. Feelings are hurt momentarily, but it is so much easier to move past it.
DeleteI just read your previous post, and now this. A lot of your posts make mescratch my head in wonder. But,I think you handled this situation beautifully. The thing about gifts from our spouse is that we see them as representations of their thought for us. "It's the thought that counts. " But, if the gift is totally the antithesis of our thought, (especially if those thoughts were voiced) what does that say? It's as if the spouse totally disregarded out feelings! Good for you for expressing this to him.Your feelings count too. Now you can both move on with a clearer view of the other 's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWhat makes you scratch your head? Just so I know for the future!
DeleteMy DH and I have been married for 15 years now, together for something close to 23. It's been a long haul and more than once individual decisions for each other have caused hurtful feelings. What I have found that being honest can be a little painful, but withholding is so much worse. I completely understand your thoughts and feelings, and I agree ... you handled it beautifully.
ReplyDeleteAnother engagement ring story? DH and I started the hunt for my engagement ring when we'd been married 7 years, been out of debt for awhile, saved the money for the ring he wanted. Now, this is not about me; I loved the idea and was actually worried about the practicalities of a larger (1 carat) stone). We searched for almost 3 years, because DH had this vision of a ring he'd seen while briefly engaged to another woman years before he met me. Let me tell you, after that many years of seeking and not finding, after the constant disappointment of looking in every jewelry store everywhere we went, I was so over the whole engagement ring purchase. I had HAD it! Especially since I saw many rings that I really liked, would have been absolutely delighted with, but because it was not "the one" he had in his head it was not going to get purchased. I sort of blew up one day after yet another fruitless jewelry store search and told him to forget it, I did not want the [insert choice curse words here] engagement ring. DH was very hurt, and I felt kind of terrible about my outburst and my feelings. But my finally speaking up about what the process was doing to me made him realize he needed to change tactics. We started looking at loose stones, with the thought that he could customize setting later. One trip and we found the perfect stone, had it set in the simplest of settings, and we have both been delighted with the selection. Every now and again DH brings up finding a setting, but it's not as much of an issue as it was when I had no ring. These days we both love platinum, and maybe someday we'll be able to commit to a simple setting and matching bands for both of us. Then DH sees the cost and goes pale with sticker shock. Since I am happy with what I have, I don't press the issue.
Janelle B.
Thanks for sharing.
DeleteI will have to share my ring story. I am not sure exactly what I want right now, other than I want a Princess cut. It will really depend on if we get a 2 rings set, or just one. This is what I want if I get a one ring:
http://www.sunjewelry.com/ab1021.html
Platnium, higher quality diamond. Will come in at about $4000. So yeah.....no where on the radar right now!
OMG ... such a BEAUTIFUL ring! Thanks for sharing. Maybe it's a distant date before you get there, but you WILL get there.
ReplyDeleteJanelle B.
OMG ... such a BEAUTIFUL ring! Thanks for sharing. Maybe it's a distant date before you get there, but you WILL get there.
ReplyDeleteJanelle B.
OMG ... such a BEAUTIFUL ring! Thanks for sharing. Maybe it's a distant date before you get there, but you WILL get there.
ReplyDeleteJanelle B.
it wold have been a grand gesture if he volunteered to trade in his weekend to buy you a ring...but i guess that would be asking too much. i can't imagine my husband doing that either.
ReplyDelete