Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Mommy Guilt

I am not sure what kind of mom I am.  I used to think I was the mom who was always there for my kids, active in school, knew everything that was going on in their lives.  I happily gave up my time, energy, money to make sure they were taken care of, both for needs and a few wants here and there.

I haven't been that mom lately.  I know that some of it is a function of their age....they just aren't going to tell me EVERYTHING any more.  And they shouldn't.  They need a few private things.  But I am confident that if something is really upsetting, they will come to me.  Case in point....Sassy will ask to talk to me and we will talk about whatever it is that is on her mind (mostly young lady stuff...  ;) )

But I haven't been as involved at school.....I was just burnt out.  And it really has been nice to not be running all over the place for meetings, events, and dealing with DRAMA.  I miss supporting the school and the kids....I don't miss all the other stuff.

And money.....I have spent a few dollars on myself lately, and feel so guilty!  New glasses (first ones in 8 years).  I got my hair cut and colored (first time in 17 months).  My birthday is coming up....and I told G-man let's just call my hair my gift...but he insisted on getting me something and already ordered it.  So I countered with Mother's Day (he hates that my birthday and Mother's Day are so close.....sorry!  Blame my parents.)  But all he said was "we will see."

I need some new shoes (I threw out a bunch that were falling apart).  And my weight loss efforts (or lack there of) may result in some new clothes if I don't do something soon.

I have picked up dinner ALOT in the past few weeks.  Not good for health or for the budget.

And spring break last week.....I worked all week.  And got home late 3 out of 5 nights.  One night I went to my friend's house to help her with her new 7 week old twins.  I got home late to my twins because I was cuddling and feeding someone else's twins.  (And I loved doing it.  I miss babies....not enough to have any more....that ship sailed.  But to be able to hold two babies again was so lovely). 

Over the weekend, their last few days of break....I had them helping me clean the house.

My kids are loved, fiercely.  They have food in their belly, a roof over their head, and clothes on their back (but good grief.....Sassy has grown so much that she pretty much needs new EVERYTHING).   But I just don't feel like a good mom right now.

I got my hair done on Saturday (3 hrs!).  And on Sunday....I decided it wasn't quite right.  So I called the salon on Monday and told them, and they were able to fit me in Tuesday evening.  I went straight to the salon from work...and didn't get home until 9pm.  Both kids were in bed.  I gave them kisses, but I didn't get to ask them how their SBAC testing was....or what they did in in Music that day.

I am missing my kids right now....but also craving some time alone.  And craving stuff that is for ME and just ME.  A day in the sun to read.....a new watch.....shoes......a trip to see BFF.  But I also want to take the kids to the movies....or mini golf....or to the paint your own pottery place.

I want it all.

14 comments:

  1. I think your last sentence kind of sums it up... with as few relationships I've had with other people, and now with my brother's kids, I can understand wanting to do more, more, more, and always be there. But Alas, we're only human and that can't be done. I'd say pick your battles, so your best, and the rest should fall into place. As long as they know they can go to you even when you're busy, that's enough. I sure wish I had that some times, but have learned to do without.

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    1. I want to be there...but I also want to be "alone." Make sense?

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  2. I can't really comment on this one, I am very egocentric so I do spend a lot on me and still do the things I enjoy like golf and running. Sure the kids always come first but at the same time I'm always thinking me me me LOL

    HS

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    1. And you have always been upfront about that fact about yourself. But it is very hard to go from being "kid centric" to "self".

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  3. You don't have to sacrifice everything to be a good mom. You're a person, too. :)

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  4. Every mom feels this way. You have had years and years of them as the total focus in your life and now they are growing up and don't need you as much, so you can rediscover yourself and you need to spend money on you because you are worth it. Your debt is not going anywhere soon, but you are going places every day you don't need to look like a babba yagga just because you are trying to get out of debt. Besides I know you are beautiful.

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    1. At least my hair is no longer babby yagga!! lol.

      Thank you!

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  5. I think there is just not enough time OR money to do it all. I don't know how old your kids are, but as mine get more independent, the more ME time I get. I find myself going out with friends more, even if it's just for coffee. If you don't stuff that makes you happy, you won't be as good a mom. At least that's what people have always told me LOL

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  6. I think a good parent finds a balance between work & play. Can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself too.

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  7. It's a constant struggle... balance is very evasive to me, so I'm forever trying to find it too. ;)

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  8. You know, I think this is one of those moments where you can stop and make a real lasting change in your life. It sounds like you get depleted, burnt out. And then you binge. And you feel guilty about it. And then you feel conflicted. And then you go back to putting Mysti on the back burner and the cycle starts over.
    You neglect yourself over and over and over again. It's not something that is sustainable. The me "binge" is telling you that.
    So the best way to fix it is to make a significant change where Mysti gets off the back burner once and for all. That doesn't mean Mysti comes first all the time, but that means that you consider yourself more often. Most likely if you regularly reward yourself on a small scale, you won't get to the binge phase. Just something to think about. Maybe make May the month you try it out. And you can start by not restricting what your hubby gets you as a gift for Mother's Day :D

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    1. No, your comment wasn't eaten.....just on moderation. ;) Thank you for your (as always) sage advice).

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  9. It is important to regularly take time for yourself. In the end it makes you better able to do all those mom things that we so often need to do and want to do. Balance sometimes is key.

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