Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Realization

This week has not been good for me, emotionally.  The horrible shooting has certainly contributed to it, but it isn't the core reason.  Once again, we are back to my "parents."

Last week they, once again, did something vindictive and hurtful towards me.  While I am working on not letting these things bother me, I am not there yet.  I didn't argue with them....heck, I wasn't even going to talk to them, but the kids called them and then handed me the phone.

Since then, I have been in a funk. 

I haven't been able to do my day-to-day, normal things....so that stuff has piled up.  Add in holiday "stuff" that still needs to be completed, and it has added tremendously to my stress level.  As I was trying to work on things last night, I was a mess.

I knocked into things....broke some thingy on the printer.  Screwed up one of my projects, and luckily stopped myself before I screwed up any more in that particular project.  I kept wandering around my house, lost.

This morning, I figured out that I am grieving.  I am grieving the loss of my parents, even though they haven't died.  I find myself wondering weird things about what will happen when they actually die.  They are being buried in the same cemetery as their parents....which is out of state from them.  I am sitting here thinking....we are going to need a hotel, maybe I should start saving for that.  Or, who the hell is even going to come?

Realizing that your parents don't have the capability to love you is sobering.  There are 26 families who would do anything to have their children, spouses, siblings back.  The out pour of LOVE is amazing.  And realizing that your family doesn't feel that way.....hurts.

I am so angry they have this much power over me. 

21 comments:

  1. I am sorry for your loss. It is hard when family dynamics play such an important part in our lives.

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    1. I am discovering how my family REALLY has impacted my life. Messed up....

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  2. I understand completely - very similar dynamic. Let yourself grieve and know it will get better. Surround yourself with the love of the family you have built - DH, Sassy, Bossy and friends.

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  3. Remember that your children and husband and love you and also that no matter what YOU have changed the family dynamics. Your children will never feel that way

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    1. I worry that in 25 years, my kids will think that I didn't do enough, or that I didn't love them, or that I am not proud of them.

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  4. Hey Mysti I love you, you are an important part of MY life. I am sorry about your parents. I have some of the same issues, but in different ways. Hang in there for all of us. But it is okay to to grovel for a while. I give you permission. Now get to work!

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    1. Thank you for making me a part of your life.

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  5. As strange as it sounds, I still find myself grieving for that same reason. There was a period where that's all I did until I realized what was going on. Now, it just bothers me every so often, but it is quite possible to grief for a lost relationship, even if the persons are still very much 'there' and in your business.

    Don't think of it as them having power over you... they only have the amount of power you're willing to give them. Yes, it's saddenning. Trust me, I know very, very much how you feel. And while it's alright to grief, get sad, mad, angry and upset at these things, they have no more power over you than you allow.

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    1. You are right about the power....

      I am not at the point yet that it doesn't bother me (obviously!!). Working on it.

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  6. Oh Misti I can relate to everything you are saying. I understand grieving for love and attention that you need, and will never get. I found a good website but I've lost the link it was daughters of narcissistic mothers. My mother is the ignoring narcissist. What I've learned is it doesn't matter how many times you tell your parents they've hurt you, they disappointed you, they haven't been there when you needed them, they will not change! In their twisted little reality everything is just fine. "It is YOU that has the problem" not them. (I've heard it a hundred times! ) They are the perfect ones in their own minds.

    It always feels like I've been kicked in the guts after a visit or most phone calls. I tell myself a lot of things to try and feel better. Not every woman that bears a child will turn out to be a loving wonderful mother. Mine is one of them. Not every person that is a parent has the emotional intelligence to give their child what they deserve or what they need in terms of love and support. And some parents can be complete a**holes. People don't have to pass a test to become a parent. If so, many of us would not be here.

    The sad reality is I have given up on my parents. I expect nothing or usually the worst so if I get anything good, its a big plus. But i dont let my hopes get high anymore.
    I will actually say out loud "Take three giant steps back!" Then a deep breath. If you get caught up with their twisted nastiness they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
    Thankfully what you have learned from them is how you will never be. I take that as a very positive useful lesson from my mother.

    Cherish your little family, and especially the love that you share with your children.

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    1. I actually belong to a Yahoo group for Adult Children of Narcissists, but it is so active that I can't keep up with the reading!!!

      I am just now at the point of giving up, but there is still that part of me that still thinks that if I just do this and this....then MAYBE they will throw me a bone.

      I know they aren't going to change.

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  7. I'm sorry, I know the feeling, life is going along, you deal with the nutty parental unit who see a normal everyday situation in a sick, twisted way, and you can't help but go into a mini-depression.

    This may be the site the above poster referred to, it was on Dr. Phil and I keep meaning to download the book:
    http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/is-this-your-mom/

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    2. I checked that book out of the library and didn't get a chance to read it!

      It really is twisted how they see things.

      My problem is that I have TWO narcissistic parents. I can't win!

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  8. Excellent advise from the others. Sending {{{HUGS}}} your way and know I am thinking of you.

    Gill

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  9. You have had *so* *much* *growth* this year. So much. The stuff you have figured out on your own, gone through, etc., many people never figure out about their families of origin. You are a strong woman. Sure, you are hurt, wounded, and grieving, but you are also an amazing woman, a great mother, and a super wife. I am impressed by you. I hope that is some solace to you. I wish I could make this all better for you, by magic, but for now, please except my ((hugs)).

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  10. I had a narcissistic, absent father and a mother who spent her whole life trying to please my father, so she had little time for me. After I had my kids, I finally had a good relationship with my mother but she died 12 yrs. ago. I wish we had had more time together.

    I had to drop my father from my life because he was toxic for me. Like an idiot I let him back in so he could see his grandchildren, until he treated me badly again. That was the end. I didn't see him when he got sick nor did I attend his funeral. I don't regret what I had to do. It does piss me off sometimes that I had to make these choices and be "the bad guy".

    But I grieve for the relationship we never had, even now, 7 yrs. after he died.
    It never goes away totally, but it gets better. You have to work at it....see a therapist or read some books and write out your feelings. You have to work on yourself. Don't bury those feelings.

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  11. Oh Mysti, I wish I could be your mom! I have loved watching how you're getting out of debt and am so proud of you!

    Might I give you one word of advice? Don't talk to your parents or be alone with your parents without your husband present. Ever.

    His job is to protect you, and sadly, he needs to protect you from your own parents right now.

    So, if they want to talk to you, it will be with your husband on the other phone or with your husband present. If they don't like it then they won't be able to talk to you.

    It's important that you take care of YOU. So let hubby protect you and relax, knowing that you don't have to deal with your parents on your own. You have your precious hubby who loves you and will protect you and stop your parents from saying things that hurt you.

    You are grieving and it's good that you recognize it. Remember, it's not you, it's them.

    I can't speak to how they feel and can only go by what you've said. I am hoping that they really do love you and are concerned for you but just don't know how to express it without making you feel worthless.

    Sometimes, as parents, we forget that we have to let go. I am a mature adult, wife and mother and my mom still tries to tell me how to wear my hair or how to dress, lol! (She lives with us) I've had to put up some firm boundaries to remind her that I don't need her to "parent" me and raise me anymore. I just need her to love me.

    Fortunately for me, I know she does love me. She's just had a difficult time understand that her days of raising her children and telling them what to do are over. It's just her generation, I guess. They keep parenting and it feels like criticism, doesn't it?

    But since we put up some boundaries she has come to understand it and I am proud of her.

    You can talk to me anytime, sweetie. My email is on my blog and I will listen anytime you want to talk. Love you!

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