Monday, June 25, 2012

Family DRAMA, part one - long

Something I recently "discovered" is that my mom has a Narcissistic Personality.  I have always known that she can be self-centered, but it was only recently that I had an actual name for what was going on.  And I have also discovered that the wounds that I have from this type of upbringing run deep.  I am really struggling to break free of it all.

So....last Monday evening, while I was at occupational therapy with the kids, my dad called.  I am very good at detecting variances in my parents' voices, and before he said much of anything....I said "you aren't coming, are you?"  DAMN IT.  Sorry for the swear.....and if that offends anyone.  But this was the second time in a ROW that they cancelled a trip with less than 24 hrs notice.

Well, it turns out that my aunt passed away.  (Before everyone says I am sorry....I wasn't close with her, never was.This was my mom's brother's wife.)  She had been ill, so this wasn't a surprise.  The timing was something I hadn't planned of course.  At that time (Monday evening), my parents knew just about nothing.  The funeral arrangements were being done on Tuesday, so it would be at least another day before we knew anything.

I had to call my brother, who as it turns out...wasn't having a great day already.  And I got to make it even better.  His car broke down, so now he would have to fly here for the funeral.  $$$.  Plus, we didn't even know when the funeral was yet.  Oh, and we were "guessing" that the funeral would be Wednesday....which was his birthday. 

Now, I should mention that my aunt and uncle live about 2-2.5 hrs away by car from me.

I mention this, because my parents decided that they were going to stay with my uncle for a week.  Not come here.  Dad mentioned coming here by himself at the end of the week, and I pulled the plug on that (which was a good thing with all the stuff that was about to happen).  He isn't well, too much travel, the weather was going to be brutal (it was 99 degrees for 2 days, and we don't have great air conditioning). 

Oh, and by staying with my uncle....they were kicking him out of his bed.  The man just lost his wife, and my parents were perfectly fine letting him sleep on the sofa.  *shake head*

Tuesday morning, I tried to get in touch with my parents.  Voicemail all around.  I suspected that they were on a plane (Heaven forbid they actually let me know what they are doing).  The question at that point....where were they going?  We had talked about them flying to CT as planned, and then going to NY, just in case they couldn't get a flight to NY.  When last we spoke, they said they weren't coming to CT.  But I wouldn't put it past them to arrive in CT and be mad that I wasn't there to pick them up.

Enter my BFF who is a travel agent.  So she did her blippity blip typity type....and tracked them down!  HA!  Oh, she and I are dangerous together.  She confirmed that they were on the 10am flight to NY.  I texted my dad and asked why is it so hard to just send me a note and let me know what is going on.....*sigh*

I get a call from Dad around Noon....telling me that the funeral was indeed on Wednesday, at 10am (which meant I had to leave my house at 6am....).  Now, he called me from the shuttle bus, and was having a hard time hearing me.  I mentioned that Bro and I sent an Edible Arrangement to the house (in Jewish funerals, there are no flowers....people send food.).  And he said something that didn't make sense.  So I repeated myself, and again, he didn't answer in a way that made sense.

So I said "Dad, if you can't hear me, and all you are going to say is OK, then let's talk later."  He said, and I quote...."BEHAVE."

EXCUSE ME???  You are reprimanding me????  Oh it is on.


  1. i don't know how you do it... :) can't wait for part 2. ;)


  2. Behave???? BEHAVE???? Are you THREE? Oh. My. Freaking. God!!!!

    Having just spent a week with my parents, who can be somewhat touchy, I can really relate to this post. My parents never, ever let me know ahead of time what is going on. My mom has a rare form of cancer and I was so out of the loop during her treatment that it really pissed me off. She is in remission now, thank God, but it will come back and now that they live 10 hours away, I suppose I will be the last to know about anything they do treatment wise until long after it is already done.

    Sorry, I'm off my soap box now. Can't wait to hear the rest of the story. And so sorry about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This and Borderline are about the most impossible types to deal with. Putting your uncle out of his bed is a great example.


    1. My parents were going to kick my aunt out of the bed when the went to visit in May, and were upset when ultimately they ended up in a hotel. Kick a dying woman out of her bed....

      Oh, and they were the same 2 hrs away at that time...but never made any effort to see us.

  3. UGH Sorry Misty... I have a great relationship with my parents and also get along great with the inlaws AND I'm also narcissistic so I can't really comment LOL


    1. I am glad that you have a good relationship with your family. As for the your daughter a favor....get help. As an adult, working through the emotions of never being enough for my parents...knowing that they are more willing to put themselves out for a person at the grocery store than their own is rough.

  4. Question.... Why did you have to go to the funeral? Same for your brother? I would have sent the fruit/whatever is customary and appropriate, a sympathy card and ta da.
    Especially because you weren't close to her.
    I don't do weddings or funerals unless it is easily convenient, or a very close friend or loved one.

    I also would have put the kibosh on everything with the single word "Behave".

    1. We (as in me and Bro) didn't want to go. But we both agreed the inconvenience of going was better than the wrath we would face for NOT going.

      We sent the fruit (at $130). We went to the funeral (up at 5am, and not home until 9pm, and a full tank of gas plus tolls). We put up with ALOT of BS. And it still wasn't enough.

      Wait until you hear the next part....

  5. I completely understand about parents treating a stranger better than you. My mother does it all the time. I hear about how she works so hard, did this and that for somebody that moved into town, and my sister that the sun rises and sets upon.

    I like to think that my wrath is comparable or greater than most anyone's. I also have developed a non tolerance to the slightest BS. And unlike some, I kinda don't care what my family thinks of me anymore. We used to be a very tight knit family, but when the chips are down you find out who you can count on and who you can't. I can not count on my mother for a thing. So if I do get "anything" pleasant I am pleased with that. I keep the expectations at zero and then anything good at all is a bonus!

    I know you aren't looking for advice but I don't like when I hear of people in situations where that are there just to please somebody that you in fact can NEVER please.
    All actions and efforts are futile. Waste of time/energy/money.

  6. Mysti, I am sorry, makes me grateful for my mom, but she is getting punchy in old age.

  7. Oh Mysti, you and I must talk. This sounds so like my mother... except I have a sister who is of course, perfect, and to top it all off, they both live within a quarter mile of me. Yes, we must chat. Hang in there!