Sunday, April 1, 2012

Some Confessions

I have so much stuff rattling around in my head....and when I tell you why, I think it will sort of make sense.  Maybe.  Who knows.  Maybe it only makes sense to me.

My good friend MutantSuperModel, who also is kicking my butt in Words with Friends (I actually AM good at this game, but apparently not as good as I thought!), mentioned the other day a few points that I want to revisit.  Specifically:

  • Emotional causes of spending; and
  • Self Worth

I sort of covered the self worth one already....and yes MSM, my tooth is in the process of being fixed.  The permanent filling goes in this week, and then I need to schedule the crown.  Still haven't gotten the new glasses, or undergarments....but one thing at a time.

The emotional spending....I already know what some of the triggers are, and they are ones that alot of people have (anger, sadness).  But here comes the confession time.....when I went back and re-read some things, and compared it against a few other things...

I spend when I go off my medication.

I have been on various anti-depressants since I was 14.  Different meds, different doses.  Several years where I wasn't on anything, and then my very smart doctor (OB) put me back on them after our twins died, and then my primary care doc increased it after the fiasco of last year. 

When I take everything (and at this point, I am on several things, each for a different reason...not all related to this stuff), I am in so much better control of my life.  It really shouldn't be that difficult to take...I take it all at one time....they are all together....I have a cup for water.....I have no excuse other than, I just don't sometimes.

It is the old thought process of....I am feeling better....I don't need this.  Logically I know that doesn't make sense.  I am feeling better because I AM taking what I am supposed to take.  It is 30 seconds of my day (heck, if I really wanted to cut down on the time, I could get an old lady pill box and sort it all, and then I wouldn't have to open a zillion bottles each night.)  But sometimes...I just don't.

I have been a little lax in the few weeks, and it has caught up.  Not just in spending (which I haven't done much of...more the looking and longing for part).  But my mind is racing.

I can't finish anything.  I am easily distracted.  I get these IDEAS.  Nothing is right. 

It usually takes a week or so for everything to even back out once I go back to doing what I am supposed to do.  So by next weekend, I will be in a very different place.  In the meantime, I have to fight through the fog and function.

Let me clarify....I am in no danger, nor are the kids.  I can go to work, take care of the day to day things (bills, food, self care).  But anything else goes into feast or famine.  I will either obsess over the details....or I don't care anymore.

Today, I am so foggy.  I started a list of what I need to do....and then didn't finish it.  I forgot to put the coffee back in the fridge.  There is half a project on the kitchen table, the other half in the playroom...and I barely remember doing it last night. I don't remember half of what I had in my head an hour ago (it will come back to me...). 

So bear with me.  I take full responsibility....I didn't take my meds, and now I suffer the consequences. 

It is going to be a LONG day.


  1. Mysti, sounds like you suffer from bipolar disorder like me. I am also triggered if I don't take my meds. I learned a LONG time ago that it is much easier to get a pill box and separate them so it's a 2 second deal to take them.

    And yes, you stop taking them because you don't think you need them. But it's a brain disease and needs to be treated just like heart disease or kidney disease or cancer or any other physical illness. Just because it manifests in behavioral issues does not make it any less of a disease.

    Please take your meds, even when you are feeling good. And if you need someone to talk to, you can find me on my blog at My email is on there.


    1. I am not bipolar, but I do have a chemical imbalance. I am pretty high functioning as a whole, but when I let things slide...I pay the price.

      Like I said, I have been dealing with this for 20+ years. And I KNOW what I should do...I just need to do it.

      Thanks for the support!

  2. Mysti, thank you for opening up about this. Mental illness and crappy financial habits go together hand and hand for so many reasons, and I find it interesting that people don't talk about it. Like which is more "shameful"--that you have crappy finances or that you have mental illness? How about you have a mental illness and that affects every decision you make, so hey guess what? You can't plan well, you're disorganized, unmotivated, and prone to obsessions and impulse.

    When I finally got a good therapist, and went on medication, my finances improved with the rest of my life.

    Hold on tight, Mysti, and get back on track! You can do it, girl!

    1. The kicker in all of most areas of my life I am VERY organized, motivated...but when I do this to myself (and yes, I admit this is my own doing), it is amazing how crazy things get.

      Last night I noticed that I left cabinet doors open, never finished my to-do list. "Forgot" to balance the checkbook (which I do every day).

      I am in therapy currently, so I am ok!


  3. Girl, yoiu better pick you up a pill box and get on track!! I know you wouldn't play around with meds for your kids so don't do it to yourself!!!!! I have a old lady pill box I won't leave home without, I could never remember if I took my meds or not until it was to late, then I paid dearly for the mistake

    1. I have a pill box on my shopping list. Thanks for your concern.

      And I started taking my meds again last night....

  4. You have cojones writing this up. Now I get your fog comment earlier (I'm in a lack of sleep fog myself).

    Isn't it sort of equal parts frustrating equal parts liberating when we figure out something like this? Yeah part of you wants to kick your own ass for screwing up in the first place but another part of you is grateful it's not a big issue to fix.

    I'm proud of you. Keep track of these sorts of things and you'll keep unlocking all kinds of gems.


    And don't worry, I'm losing major steam in Words with Friends. I thought I was good too and now I've lost about seven or eight games in a row! Ouch!