My good friend MutantSuperModel, who also is kicking my butt in Words with Friends (I actually AM good at this game, but apparently not as good as I thought!), mentioned the other day a few points that I want to revisit. Specifically:
- Emotional causes of spending; and
- Self Worth
I sort of covered the self worth one already....and yes MSM, my tooth is in the process of being fixed. The permanent filling goes in this week, and then I need to schedule the crown. Still haven't gotten the new glasses, or undergarments....but one thing at a time.
The emotional spending....I already know what some of the triggers are, and they are ones that alot of people have (anger, sadness). But here comes the confession time.....when I went back and re-read some things, and compared it against a few other things...
I spend when I go off my medication.
I have been on various anti-depressants since I was 14. Different meds, different doses. Several years where I wasn't on anything, and then my very smart doctor (OB) put me back on them after our twins died, and then my primary care doc increased it after the fiasco of last year.
When I take everything (and at this point, I am on several things, each for a different reason...not all related to this stuff), I am in so much better control of my life. It really shouldn't be that difficult to take...I take it all at one time....they are all together....I have a cup for water.....I have no excuse other than, I just don't sometimes.
It is the old thought process of....I am feeling better....I don't need this. Logically I know that doesn't make sense. I am feeling better because I AM taking what I am supposed to take. It is 30 seconds of my day (heck, if I really wanted to cut down on the time, I could get an old lady pill box and sort it all, and then I wouldn't have to open a zillion bottles each night.) But sometimes...I just don't.
I have been a little lax in the few weeks, and it has caught up. Not just in spending (which I haven't done much of...more the looking and longing for part). But my mind is racing.
I can't finish anything. I am easily distracted. I get these IDEAS. Nothing is right.
It usually takes a week or so for everything to even back out once I go back to doing what I am supposed to do. So by next weekend, I will be in a very different place. In the meantime, I have to fight through the fog and function.
Let me clarify....I am in no danger, nor are the kids. I can go to work, take care of the day to day things (bills, food, self care). But anything else goes into feast or famine. I will either obsess over the details....or I don't care anymore.
Today, I am so foggy. I started a list of what I need to do....and then didn't finish it. I forgot to put the coffee back in the fridge. There is half a project on the kitchen table, the other half in the playroom...and I barely remember doing it last night. I don't remember half of what I had in my head an hour ago (it will come back to me...).
So bear with me. I take full responsibility....I didn't take my meds, and now I suffer the consequences.
It is going to be a LONG day.