Wednesday, August 10, 2011

When life hands you lemons.....

turn them into lemon-scented furniture polish and CLEAN!

Cleaning is my cathartic release.  So this afternoon when I get home....I am going to put on my MP3 player, and scrub and scrub and scrub.  Clean home....clean mind.

As CJ so astutely noted...the dates that I have in August that are hard for me impact how much I can handle.

Today is August 10.  Today was the day that my water broke with Bossy (Sassy was still ok), although I didn't know it at the time.  It wasn't until August 12 that I found out that is what happened.  So today is an important day in the history of Bossy and Sassy.  The clock started for them today on if they would make it.  On August 12, when I was admitted to the hospital....they were given zero percent chance of survival if they were born then. 

So today weighs heavily on my mind.  If I had known that my water broke...would things have gone easier for them.  And for us.  Guilt is a hard thing to get over.

Next week is the anniversary of the death of my twin daughters (yes...I had 2 sets of twins).

The week after that leads up to Bossy and Sassy's birthday, which is bittersweet for me. 

August is overwhelming for me....So I am going to clean and clean and clean....and maybe when I am done I will have cleared my head.


  1. I'm really wishing the best for you. There's no doubt you and your husband have had a disappointing (there are so many ways to describe it but I'll go with this) month. I really hope that it gets better. You & the family deserve a break.

  2. I hope everything gets better for you. I wish cleaning was my release...

  3. I'm so sorry for you. That's a lot of guilt to have on your shoulders. I can't imagine what you are going through. Just know that people care about you and are sending caring thoughts your way.

  4. I'm with you on cleaning as catharsis. I also rearrange furniture.

    Another weird match for you and I-- my Eldest's birthday is August 12.

  5. Sending caring thoughts your way.
    My husband would love it if cleaning was my release for stressful days..

  6. the cleaning will help

    Also this year your husband and yourself have the counsellors to talk to. This may help you as well. A good way for you both to let the pressure valve off that grief a bit. Like all grief it never completely goes but the pressure of it gets less and less

  7. Well, the counselors are on the chopping block....if it comes down to money, they will have to go.

  8. Mysti - Do you feel like the counselors have been helping?

  9. @Julie - Sort of...but if they have to go, then they have to go.