September 12, 2009
The easygoing Gemini Moon enables us to tune a conversation in or out, and engage or avoid an issue. The Moon's shift into tenacious Cancer at 4:19 pm EDT makes it harder to just let go of a feeling of attachment because we are subject to our moods now, which do not always respond to reason. Meanwhile, a slow-moving quincunx between contractive Saturn and dispersive Neptune reveals how tough it is to be realistic while also holding on to our dreams.
I can feel the shift.....I am already having a hard time letting go of feelings. Feelings like this debt is my fault. Feelings that I have royally screwed our family. That this is hopeless. That we are 3 steps away from living in a cardboard box (ok, I know that is a bit mellow dramatic.) But I have spent since last night running numbers in my head, and I think my brain is starting to leak out of my ear from over use.
Why is this my fault you ask?
1) I have been the CFO of our family since G-man and I got married. There were decisions that we discussed, but really the decision was based on my research and thoughts...and they weren't always right.
2) Our kids were WAY WAY WAY premature. I carried them, thus it was my body that failed and resulted in their birth. This started a long line of medical debt. (I know that our medical debt right now doesn't look THAT bad, but we spend about $5,000 out of pocket yearly on medical, in addition to the thousands that we have already paid off over time).
3) As a spin off to #2, I became a stay at home mom because of our kids' issues. I was home for 5 yrs with them, and we just sank further into debt. I tried to get help, but our income on paper didn't qualify us for anything.
I know I need to let this stuff go to move forward, but today it is just hard.